Lego Group makes bid on border wall


In a press conference today in Billund, Denmark, Lego Group spokesperson Sven Jensen announced the Lego Group’s plans to bid on the United States border wall with Mexico. Although some details of the bid remain confidential, Jensen shared that the wall would be made of life-sized Lego Bricks, constructed of a proprietary Kevlar-type material. “Our wall will be strong, but flexible. The interlocking brick  construction  allows for flexibility in adapting to the varying terrain along the border” said Jensen, “along with incredible speed of construction. Since our bricks snap together with such ease, we can use unskilled labor to build the wall, allowing us to save money on construction costs.”

Although some at the press conference questioned the Lego Group’s ability to produce a wall of such scope, Jensen scoffed at the objections. “We’ve been making children happy now with creative and imaginative use of our Lego Bricks since 1932, so why wouldn’t we be able to please the biggest, baddest child of all? ”

© Huffygirl 2017

 

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Canada adds new province


CanadianMapleLeaf

 

Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau announced today it has acquired enough land to add a new Canadian province in Israel. “Our new province is a positive move for both Canadians, Israelis and  Palestinians. Canada is a country originally formed by peoples of many nations, including Aboriginal people and those from many European nations.  Our hope is that the unity that all Canadians feel will spill over into the new province, uniting Canadians and all people currently living in Israel.”

While details are still evolving, Trudeau believes that all residents will eventually gain dual citizenship of Canada and Israel, while maintaining any citizenship they currently hold from disputed Israeli lands. “This will allow all citizens of the new province to move about freely, dispensing the need for Israeli work permits, which is always a hot button issue in Israel.

The addition of the new province, named Nova Canuck, brings the number of Canadian provinces to 11. While most Canadians are ecstatic about the addition of the new land, some remain skeptical. Disputers argue that Trudeau, who makes his love of the Israeli product SodaStream no secret, has acquired Israeli land to keep his beloved soda flowing. While Trudeau denies this, both Canadian and Israeli Twitter are blowing up over the hashtag #SodastreamsoTrudeau.

© Huffygirl 2016

 

Huffygirl’s Blog moving to Canada!


Today, Huffygirl, author of Huffygirl’s Blog, announced that Huffygirl’s Blog is moving to Canada. “While some might suppose that Huffygirl’s Blog is moving to Canada purely to take advantage of tax reductions, that is not the case” announced Huffygirl today on her blog. “Canada is a lovely county which is clearly underrepresented in the blogging world. By moving my blog to Canada, while maintaining my US presence as well, Canadians will have greater representation, and therefore, greater power in the blogging community.”

Some critics have suggested that Huffygirl’s Blog may become changed, and less American with this move to Canada. To these critics, Huffygirl replies “I don’t know what that is aboot. Huffygirl’s Blog will retain its American flavor despite its new Canadian location, and remain exactly the same, eh.”

© Huffygirl 2014

GM to recall all vehicles ever made


In a surprising move, Mary Barra, CEO of GM announced a massive vehicle recall. “In an effort to provide a safe driving experience for our customers and restore confidence in our brand,  we have decided to issue a recall of all our vehicles. ” Barra explained: “While there is no particular safety concern with all of the models that have not been previously recalled, in the interest of restoring confidence, we have decided to just take them all back. If you are driving a GM car, just bring it in.” Details were sketchy on how customer’s would be compensated for their returned vehicles, but GM officials offered no further explanation on the matter.

© Huffygirl 2014

 

TSA toothpaste: Now with extra whitening


john_s_pistoleJohn Pistole, administrator of the TSA, today announced a new venture for the Transportation Security Administration. “Up until today, the TSA has been vilified as a harsh, punitive body, known for limiting traveler’s rights, restricting items that may be brought onto planes, and for taking items away from travelers that might cause a safety concern. In recent days, this perception has become heightened, after concerns that terrorists might use toothpaste tubes to bring explosives onto planes, causing TSA agents to confiscate hundreds of tiny tubes of Crest and Colgate from angry travelers. But today, that will change. Today, the TSA becomes a giver to all travelers, with our new Toothpaste Reform Advantage Program (TRAP). Under TRAP, TSA agents will provide every airline passenger who passes through inspection without incident, with a free, travel- size tube of TSA Toothpaste.” Pistole further adds that travelers will be able to choose between regular and extra-whitening.

“My hope from now on is that travelers will see  TSA agents, not as restrictive punishers but as jolly givers, more Santa than Ayatollah. This new program will not only assist agents in keeping our airways safe, but give passengers a fresh clean smile.”

Pistole further  explained that TSA toothpaste meets all standards for the TSA, as well as the American Dental Association.

© Huffygirl 2014

A wild and crazy guide to Superbowl XLIIMCIV


super-bowl-2014

Okay, maybe that’s not the right Roman numeral for this Superbowl, but I’m sure it’s close. Here’s some easy definitions to help even the most football-naive to unravel this Sunday’s game.

football: a game using an oblong ball, in which the foot is seldom used to propel the ball forward.

Superbowl: a football game accompanied by excessive falderal, hype, and excitement, added on after football season is done so teams can earn extra cash and fans have an excuse to sit around and waste time on one additional Sunday

fans: people who enjoy watching commercials, drinking beer and eating traditional Superbowl foods while some sort of game plays out on the screen

opponents: the two teams selected to play in this annual spectacle of excess; in this case it’s the Denver Broncos versus the Seattle Seahawks

Bronco: a fiery, wild, untamed steed of the west, or the name of a Denver football team

Seahawk: a a novel by Rafael Sabatini, originally published in 1915, about a retired  Cornish seafaring gentleman, who is villainously betrayed by a jealous half-brother, or a less-impressive name for an osprey. And it’s a football team too.

commentators: beefy former football players and scrawny coaches who wear expensive suits and sit behind a desk blathering on about the game.

coach: the name used to address anyone who has ever coached a football team. Coach replaces the person’s first name, even when they are no longer coaching, so that everyone who speaks to them, including their wives,  addresses them as Coach, so much so that the coach and everyone else forgets what his actual first name is. This can be confusing if there is more than one coach around, so most commentator teams have only one former coach.

half-time: the intermission half way through the game when aging rockers perform songs with unintelligible lyrics while fireworks shoot off around them; and the time when fans use the bathroom and go out for more beer.

Peyton Manning: a southern gentleman named after what was once considered a racy novel, but would now a days leave nobody batting an eye, and the quarterback of the Denver Broncos.

Russel Wilson: the quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks, whom I clearly know nothing about.

football jargon: the real and made-up words used by football commentators when they obviously have nothing to say, but need to fill the million-dollar air time supported by their sponsors. Be sure to count how many times the commentators  say “physicality” or “power football” to help pass the time while you’re watching the game.

Velveeta: a cheese-like food considered by many to be a crucial part of any Superbowl day meal. Good luck finding some.

picks: the scores that fans predict for the winning team. My pick? Denver by 14.

New Jersey: a state populated by gangsters and Kardashians, and the site of this year’s Superbowl game. Why play a game in lovely California or Arizona when you could play in the blustery winter weather of Jersey, favored as the site of the next winter Olympics?

cannabis: a recreational drug legal in both Colorado and Washington state, coincidentally the homes of the two Superbowl competitors. Hmmm.

post-game show: the football hype that continues after the game where players wear Superbowl XLIIMCIV ball caps and douse each other with champagne and Gatorade. A fun time for everyone to be sure.

Be sure to print out this handy guide so you can impress your friends with your football knowledge while you watch this year’s game.

© Huffygirl 2014

Local blogger a person of interest in Velveeta shortage


Kraft confirms Velveeta shortage

A spokesperson for Kraft Foods has confirmed they are investigating a person of interest in the recent Velveeta shortage, dubbed “cheesepocalypse.” Says Kraft “Huffygirl, of Huffygirl’s Blog, is a known opponent of cheese in the American diet. Ms. Huffy actually states on her blog page that she is “…waging a one-woman war against cheese. It seems odd that we would develop manufacturing issues in our most popular cheese line, Velveeta, just before the Superbowl, the biggest cheese consumption day of the year.”

Although Huffygirl could not be reached for comment, she issued a statement via her blog. “While I’m flattered that Kraft Foods thinks I am powerful enough to influence their manufacturing process, I confess that I had nothing to do with the so-called cheesepocalypse. Although  I am opposed to the over-consumption of cheese and it’s counterparts, such as manufactured cheese-like food, as is the case with Velveeta, I would in no way attempt to thwart those engaged in the cheese-food industry.” Huffygirl goes on to say “I encourage Americans to take this cheese-food shortage as an opportunity to improve their health by reducing or eliminating their consumption of cheese and cheese-like foods.”

© Huffygirl 2014

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Shutdown furloughs “Onion” writers


Lincoln Memorial

Will Tracy, editor in chief of the nation’s foremost made-up news source, The Onion, announced today that the government shutdown has forced the furlough of Onion’s writers. “As readers know, our specialty as a news source is making up ridiculous, implausible “news” stories, but cleverly portraying them as truth. However, the current actual news coming out of Washington is in itself so ludicrous, so improbable, that real news is difficult to distinguish from made up stories. Since basically, The Onion news is just writing itself, there seems little point in employing writers to make up additional stories.

 

Tracy cites examples from the news this week, as evidence of real news taking on a onionesque quality. “Consider these headlines:”

 

“Shutdown leaves thousands of lab mice in limbo: workers scurry to separate males to prevent vermin overrun.”

 

“Government shutdown blocks veteran’s death benefit checks: legislator’s paychecks somehow slip through.”

 

“Shutdown threatens chicken plants.”

 

“Lawnmower man at Lincoln Memorial thwarts authorities.”

 

Tracey assures The Onion’s writers that they will be recalled as soon as the shutdown ceases, once again allowing “normal” made-up news to the forefront. “And, just like government workers, the writers will receive back pay for their non-productive time off. After all, this is America.”

 

© Huffygirl 2013

 

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Just in time for Easter, now there’s Chocnix


English: A milk chocolate Easter Bunny.

Worried about that chocolate addiction of yours? And with the Easter Bunny just here, showering you with chocolate bunnies, eggs and the like, aren’t you wishing there was a way you could come clean and rid yourself once and for all of that chocolate addiction? Well, now you can. Now, there’s Chocnix®.

Chocnix® is a prescription medication designed to free the user from chocolate addiction. Chocnix works by blocking the pleasurable and addictive effects of chocolate. After only one week of use, Chocnix® users will find eating chocolate less pleasant. Eventually, chocolate eaters will receive less and less positive reinforcement from the ingestion of chocolate, causing the user to eventually stop eating chocolate. By 12 weeks of Chocnix® use, most users find they are able to completely abstain from chocolate eating. After an additional 12 weeks of use, most patients find they will never desire to eat chocolate again.

Chocnix® is not for everyone. Users may experience rage, anger, chocolate envy and psychosis. Don’t use Chocnix® if you suffer from extreme chocolate addition, evidenced by waking up the day after Easter with your head in an Easter basket, surrounded by foil wrappers. Ask your doctor if Chocnix® is right for you.

© Huffygirl 2013

Homeless community seeks shelter at Chimp Haven


Chimpanzee. Taken at the Los Angeles Zoo.

Chimpanzee. Taken at the Los Angeles Zoo. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Protesters from the homeless community lined up outside the NIH recently, demanding funding for housing assistance. Protesters sported signs reading “I want my 1,000 square feet too!”  and “Havens for all.” Arlo Twiddle, spokesperson for the homeless community, iterated the protesters demands. “It has come to our attention that NIH is providing funding for retired research chimps to live in a glamorous haven, with fresh fruit and nutritious meals, toys, activities and even concert performances. Meanwhile, I and thousands of  other homeless live under bridges and in boxes in back alleys. We are only asking for the same dignity for ourselves that the government is providing for, well, frankly, wild monkeys.”

Nina Bodewell, spokesperson for Chimp Haven, only partially disputes Twiddle’s claim. “As nearly everyone knows, chimpanzees are in fact great apes, and not monkeys,” Bodewell noted at a recent news conference. However, as to Twiddle’s claims that the Chimp Haven is a plush chimpanzee resort, Bodewell had no rebuttal. Sources close to the news have found the following information regarding the amenities at Chimp Haven, the sanctuary to which the NIH is sending retired research chimps.

They’ll get a daily assortment of fresh fruits and vegetables along with their nutritionally balanced biscuits. They’ll have toys to play with, from balls and backpacks to anything else that’s safe and might amuse them — one Christmas, they got donated books — and even concerts. Drummers and other musicians have been brought in to play for them, and administrative associate Steve Snodgrass sometimes plays “lyrical” Irish fiddle tunes…”*

NIH has even laid out their requirements for what is an acceptable area for the retired chimps:

Research chimpanzees should be kept in groups of at least seven, with about 1,000 square feet of outdoor space per chimp — roughly one-sixth of an acre for a group of seven, according to the proposal. The space must include year-round outdoor access with a variety of natural surfaces such as grass, dirt and mulch, and enough climbing space to let all members of large troupes travel, feed and rest well above the ground, and with material to let them build new nests each day, the report said. Chimp Haven’s enclosures range from a quarter-acre to five acres, some of them forested and all with climbing structures.” *

Twiddle and others in the homeless community remain ardent in their intent to continue the protest until they get a hearing for their grievances.” If the government refuses to provide us with similar housing and amenities, we plan to infiltrate Chimp Haven and live in the chimp resort. After all, at 1,000 square foot per chimp, roughly the size of a  two-bedroom apartment, there should be plenty of room for our community to share this space. Personally, I’d be happy with 500 square feet, and maybe a few left-over biscuits that the chimps have rejected.”

NIH officials remain silent on the homeless protesters demands.

*Research chimps may be headed from lab to leisure, http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=170043901

© Huffygirl 2013

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