A wild and crazy guide to Superbowl XLIIMCIV


Okay, maybe that’s not the right Roman numeral for this Superbowl, but I’m sure it’s close. Here’s some easy definitions to help even the most football-naive to unravel this Sunday’s game.

football: a game using an oblong ball, in which the foot is seldom used to propel the ball forward.

Superbowl: a football game accompanied by excessive falderal, hype, and excitement, added on after football season is done so teams can earn extra cash and fans have an excuse to sit around and waste time on one additional Sunday

fans: people who enjoy watching commercials, drinking beer and eating traditional Superbowl foods while some sort of game plays out on the screen

opponents: the two teams selected to play in this annual spectacle of excess; in this case it’s the Denver Broncos versus the Seattle Seahawks

Bronco: a fiery, wild, untamed steed of the west, or the name of a Denver football team

Seahawk: a a novel by Rafael Sabatini, originally published in 1915, about a retired  Cornish seafaring gentleman, who is villainously betrayed by a jealous half-brother, or a less-impressive name for an osprey. And it’s a football team too.

commentators: beefy former football players and scrawny coaches who wear expensive suits and sit behind a desk blathering on about the game.

coach: the name used to address anyone who has ever coached a football team. Coach replaces the person’s first name, even when they are no longer coaching, so that everyone who speaks to them, including their wives,  addresses them as Coach, so much so that the coach and everyone else forgets what his actual first name is. This can be confusing if there is more than one coach around, so most commentator teams have only one former coach.

half-time: the intermission half way through the game when aging rockers perform songs with unintelligible lyrics while fireworks shoot off around them; and the time when fans use the bathroom and go out for more beer.

Peyton Manning: a southern gentleman named after what was once considered a racy novel, but would now a days leave nobody batting an eye, and the quarterback of the Denver Broncos.

Russel Wilson: the quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks, whom I clearly know nothing about.

football jargon: the real and made-up words used by football commentators when they obviously have nothing to say, but need to fill the million-dollar air time supported by their sponsors. Be sure to count how many times the commentators  say “physicality” or “power football” to help pass the time while you’re watching the game.

Velveeta: a cheese-like food considered by many to be a crucial part of any Superbowl day meal. Good luck finding some.

picks: the scores that fans predict for the winning team. My pick? Denver by 14.

New Jersey: a state populated by gangsters and Kardashians, and the site of this year’s Superbowl game. Why play a game in lovely California or Arizona when you could play in the blustery winter weather of Jersey, favored as the site of the next winter Olympics?

cannabis: a recreational drug legal in both Colorado and Washington state, coincidentally the homes of the two Superbowl competitors. Hmmm.

post-game show: the football hype that continues after the game where players wear Superbowl XLIIMCIV ball caps and douse each other with champagne and Gatorade. A fun time for everyone to be sure.

Be sure to print out this handy guide so you can impress your friends with your football knowledge while you watch this year’s game.

© Huffygirl 2014


Football Saturdays Revisited

I’m reblogging this post today, in honor of grandson Zach’s first birthday. Happy birthday sweet little Zachy!

Huffygirl's Blog

I am a college football fan, mostly out of necessity. I’ve been the minority gender at my house since 1976. Having a husband, two boys and no girls was great most of the time, but left me with the choice of a) becoming a football fan so I’d have someone to talk to from August to January, or b) not becoming a football fan, and having lots of time to do girl things by myself. I didn’t want to miss a whole chunk of my children’s growing up just because they were, well, boys, so I became sort of a football fan. When my boys were younger I’d read Sports Illustrated for Kids while were at school. When they got home and excitedly paged through the magazine, I’d be ready. I could talk football, and most sports with them,  and not be left out. And it turned out to be fun.

As the kids became older it got easier. First…

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HuffyHow: More girl’s beginner guide to football

Western Michigan University American football ...

Image via Wikipedia

Now that you know how to find and follow the ball, the only other thing you need to know is how to TALK football. Yes, if you’re watching with others, you don’t want to be left out by not cheering or knowing how to discuss the game.

During the game, here’s some generic cheers you can use to make it seem like you know what you’re talking about. You’ll have to pay attention as to whether your team is on offense (carrying the ball) or defense (keeping the other team from scoring) so you’ll use the right cheers at the right time.

There’s not a lot to say when your team is on defense. Their main goal is to stop the other team from advancing the ball, and not getting any penalties in the process. So it’s always safe to chant generic slogans like “Go defense” or the ever popular “DE’ fense, DE’ fense…) Or if you’re the silent type, you can always go for holding up the big capital D and a white picket fence – that really says it all.

It’s also important to let the defense know if they’re not doing a good job. So if the defense leaves a big gap where the runner gets through without being stopped, you can yell “Hey I could’ve driven a truck through that hole!” or “My grandma could’ve stopped him!” In fact, grandmas and moms come up quite a bit in football. Any time a football player seems weak or ineffectual, it’s okay to compare him to your grandma or mom as in “My mom could have ___________ better.”

When your team’s on offense, you want to cheer them on for advancing the ball. So if they get the first down, you can clap, yell “Yeah!” and the like. If your team is not succeeding in advancing the ball, there’s actually more to yell about. It’s important to shout advice to the players, because they obviously would not know what to do without hundreds of fans yelling at them at the same time. It’s always safe to go with the grandma or mom rant above. Or try to make things more personal to that particular play.

Of course the most  important thing is yelling at the refs. Everyone assumes the refs are: blind, biased, lazy, ineffective, unless they’ve made a call in favor of your team. Direct your rants towards the refs’ inefficiencies.  “C’mon ref, get some new glasses”, “C’mon ref are you blind?” “Get the home team refs out” all work well. Of course it’s important to focus on particulars so your yelling will help the ref become a better ref in the future. “Hey it was interference”, “He was all over him ref”, “He was out-of-bounds”, “He was offsides” are all pretty standard and work for most situations. Of course one wonders how four refs right on the field can miss these things that we’re seeing 200 yards away in the stands; maybe they do need new glasses. 

To top things off, make sure that you shake your keys in the air or wave your cap during the kickoff at the beginning of each half, high-five your seat mates when your team scores, and sing the fight song during time-outs, and you’ll be all set  to fit right in at the game.

Coming up: the all important post game analysis and terminology explained.

© The author and Huffygirl’s Blog, 2010 to 3010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author and Huffygirl’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coming up

Kickoff in American Football (Lübeck Cougars)

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Coming up just in time for the start of football season – the beginner girl’s guide to understanding football. When I first started watching football, I really didn’t know anything about it. I just tried to watch it with my husband to be polite, to spend some time together. But it turns out that husbands only want you to watch football with them if you already know what you’re watching for. If they have to explain the game, it’s too much work and distracts them from the important task of watching football. So I didn’t last long because I couldn’t  tell: a. who had the ball, b. are they really using a ball? and c. what are they doing with the ball?. It turns out that “keep your eye on the ball” is more than just a pithy expression. If you can’t follow the ball when watching football, you might as well not watch. And although I think it would be really great and helpful if they’d make the ball a bright flourescent color, or highlight it on the TV screen like they used to do for hockey, well, they just don’t. Football is so esoteric, such a man’s man sport that they don’t make it easy for you to see the ball and follow it. If you can’t find the ball yourself, then they basically don’t think you’re worthy of watching their game.

First up – what they do with that pesky ball and more.

© The author and Huffygirl’s Blog, 2010 to 3010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author and Huffygirl’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.