Lego Group makes bid on border wall


In a press conference today in Billund, Denmark, Lego Group spokesperson Sven Jensen announced the Lego Group’s plans to bid on the United States border wall with Mexico. Although some details of the bid remain confidential, Jensen shared that the wall would be made of life-sized Lego Bricks, constructed of a proprietary Kevlar-type material. “Our wall will be strong, but flexible. The interlocking brick  construction  allows for flexibility in adapting to the varying terrain along the border” said Jensen, “along with incredible speed of construction. Since our bricks snap together with such ease, we can use unskilled labor to build the wall, allowing us to save money on construction costs.”

Although some at the press conference questioned the Lego Group’s ability to produce a wall of such scope, Jensen scoffed at the objections. “We’ve been making children happy now with creative and imaginative use of our Lego Bricks since 1932, so why wouldn’t we be able to please the biggest, baddest child of all? ”

© Huffygirl 2017

 

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Canada adds new province


CanadianMapleLeaf

 

Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau announced today it has acquired enough land to add a new Canadian province in Israel. “Our new province is a positive move for both Canadians, Israelis and  Palestinians. Canada is a country originally formed by peoples of many nations, including Aboriginal people and those from many European nations.  Our hope is that the unity that all Canadians feel will spill over into the new province, uniting Canadians and all people currently living in Israel.”

While details are still evolving, Trudeau believes that all residents will eventually gain dual citizenship of Canada and Israel, while maintaining any citizenship they currently hold from disputed Israeli lands. “This will allow all citizens of the new province to move about freely, dispensing the need for Israeli work permits, which is always a hot button issue in Israel.

The addition of the new province, named Nova Canuck, brings the number of Canadian provinces to 11. While most Canadians are ecstatic about the addition of the new land, some remain skeptical. Disputers argue that Trudeau, who makes his love of the Israeli product SodaStream no secret, has acquired Israeli land to keep his beloved soda flowing. While Trudeau denies this, both Canadian and Israeli Twitter are blowing up over the hashtag #SodastreamsoTrudeau.

© Huffygirl 2016

 

The hospital gown: an instrument of torture


I recently had the experience of being tortured, not by terrorists, but by that well-known fashion statement, the hospital gown. The hospital gown was originally an open nightshirt, designed for the convenience of nurses and doctors carrying for the bedridden patient. The gown was traditionally worn with the back open to allow for access to the patient;  yet modesty was maintained as the patient’s backside was safely covered by the bed.

Today, thanks to our ever-growing plus-sized population, the hospital gown is a now a circus tent with armholes.  My gown was made from a thick, sturdy, rough-hewn cotton, akin to the same fabric used for flour sacks in days of old. The size was roughly that which Magic Johnson would wear comfortably, in other words, typical one size fits all. The various closure ties along the back were gnarled into an almost unusable state, as if kittens had been allowed in to “help” fold the hospital laundry. The front sported a slit to allow for EKG leads to be pulled through, but on me this fell in the right spot to be considered a wardrobe-malfunction flap. To top this off, the bed on which I was designated to spend the night was not a bed at all, but a gurney, the kind meant for temporary transport of patients. Instead a nice smooth sheet, the gurney was covered with a rough knit-type material. Add to that the ubiquitous blue pad that is placed underneath all hospital patients, as if it’s expected that all patients will start leaking from every bodily orifice, and you have the bed from the seventh circle of hell.

Here is how I spent that night. Despite my ability to eat and drink normally, the IV was going full-blast, so I found myself getting up to the bathroom at least every two hours. Unfortunately I was unable to coordinate this with the staff who came in to wake me up every two hours, so add sleeplessness to the night from hell. On each occasion of getting up, I first had to scoot to the edge of the gurney while wearing a circus tent and trying to hold my painful side. The rough fabric of the gown combined with the rough texture of the sheet made schooching nearly impossible. Once I managed to get to the edge, I had to make a little jump to get to the ground, as you might imagine one would from a gurney designed for giants. Once upon my feet, I used one hand to hold the IV pole, one to hold the back of the gown shut, one to hold the wardrobe malfunction flap shut, and wait, nobody has that many hands. Once back in the room, I had to repeat this process. When I finally managed to scoot myself back onto the bed, I discovered that I had become mummified in the voluminous folds of the gown. Trying to free myself from the folds wrapped around me was a painful and fruitless endeavor. Near the end of the night I found myself just flopping the upper half of my body across the bed, pulling my legs up enough so they weren’t dragging on the floor, and calling it good enough.

In the morning, after the night of torture was completed, the nurse came in and removed the IV and the blue pad from the bed. I dragged myself into the chair and put on my own cozy, well-fitting jammies, and for the first time since being there, sat comfortably, eating bad food and wondering why hospitals are incapable of making toast. But that is a story for another day.

© Huffygirl 2015

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My annual spam brunch with Jane, Mark, Beth, Corrine, Cheryl, Erin & Wendy


100_6079, https://huffygirl.wordpress.com, © Huffygirl 2014It happens every year right before Thanksgiving: my annual spam email from Jane Fish. It’s a group email that “Jane Fish” sends out every year inviting all of us to meet for brunch, aka “turkey day brunch” around Thanksgiving time. Included in the group are Wendy, Wendy’s new boyfriend Brent, Mark Elder, Cheryl Davin, Beth Ide, Corrine Castano, Erin somebody, and me, Dave Barry. We are supposed to meet somewhere in Massachusetts at places that sound really real – The Bolton Street Tavern, the Horseshoe in Hudson, The Old Mill or Black Diamond II. The exchange of emails lasts several weeks and are always the same theme. Jane Fish wants everyone to meet for a turkey day brunch. All the members of the group, except me, Dave Barry chime in. This person can’t meet on Monday but could do Tuesday, someone else wants dinner instead of brunch, could they meet at 6 or 7 PM, can we meet after the holidays, how about skiing instead, and on and on. It sounds overly perfect with little newsy asides – is Keith bringing the baby this year, and unfortunately, Mark’s wife can’t come; someone else has soccer practice, and every one of them can’t wait to see the others. I’ve gotten this email every year now for at least ten years. There are some variations. Sometimes I get it again in the spring, as it seems they may want to meet for brunch around Easter too. Sometimes it ends right after Thanksgiving, but this year the group is still trying to plan that “turkey day brunch” now only a week before Christmas. The whole thing sounds very convincing, although a little too fake and cheery to be real. One’s first instinct upon getting this email is to think “oh no, I should reply right away so they know that they have the wrong email address for Dave Barry.” After all, I wouldn’t want Dave Barry to miss all the fun.

But, every year I resist because I know this email is not about turkey day brunch, but some elaborate phishing scheme. How do I know this? What are the tell-tale signs?

  • The email originates from Jane Fish. Really.
  • Everyone in the group chimes in with replies year after year, except me, aka Dave Barry. Yet, no one every says “Has anyone heard from Dave Barry?” or “How come Dave Barry never comes?” The group is totally unconcerned about the perennial absence of Dave Barry, someone presumably so important that they invite him year after year, but don’t miss him when he doesn’t reply.
  • The event never takes place. The emails wax on about all the times and dates for the event, but it is never planned. Replies pass hot and heavy at first, then dwindle, and eventually the exchange is done, with the annual Turkey Day Brunch having never taken place.
  • Everything about the exchange is too perfect. It sounds like a Hallmark movie script. Comments like “I will pencil you in” and reply “I’d feel better if you used a Sharpie” seem sappy and unreal.
  • Don’t these people know about texting? Really – who would spend weeks planning an event via email when a few texts could take care of the whole thing? Or how about an evite or Facebook? It would save so much time, were this a real event.
  • Blocking the senders does not help. I’ve blocked all the email addresses repeatedly for years, yet, every year they are back.

Dear Jane, Mark, Beth, Corrine, Cheryl, Erin and  Wendy,

Unfortunately I am unable to meet any of you for brunch, dinner, appetizers, skiing, Christmas mass, or any other event, either before, during or after the holidays. Sadly, I will miss all the updates about everyone’s kids, jobs, ski trips, sporting events and Wendy’s health issues. I will not be able to meet Wendy’s new boyfriend, Brent. I will never know why Mark is flying solo, or why the Old Mill is closed on Mondays. I am hurt by your continual unconcern for the lack of communication from me, and quite frankly, wonder why you still invite me when I never reply.

Looking forward to hearing from all of you next year.

Love, Dave Barry

© Huffygirl 2014

Huffygirl’s Blog moving to Canada!


Today, Huffygirl, author of Huffygirl’s Blog, announced that Huffygirl’s Blog is moving to Canada. “While some might suppose that Huffygirl’s Blog is moving to Canada purely to take advantage of tax reductions, that is not the case” announced Huffygirl today on her blog. “Canada is a lovely county which is clearly underrepresented in the blogging world. By moving my blog to Canada, while maintaining my US presence as well, Canadians will have greater representation, and therefore, greater power in the blogging community.”

Some critics have suggested that Huffygirl’s Blog may become changed, and less American with this move to Canada. To these critics, Huffygirl replies “I don’t know what that is aboot. Huffygirl’s Blog will retain its American flavor despite its new Canadian location, and remain exactly the same, eh.”

© Huffygirl 2014

GM to recall all vehicles ever made


In a surprising move, Mary Barra, CEO of GM announced a massive vehicle recall. “In an effort to provide a safe driving experience for our customers and restore confidence in our brand,  we have decided to issue a recall of all our vehicles. ” Barra explained: “While there is no particular safety concern with all of the models that have not been previously recalled, in the interest of restoring confidence, we have decided to just take them all back. If you are driving a GM car, just bring it in.” Details were sketchy on how customer’s would be compensated for their returned vehicles, but GM officials offered no further explanation on the matter.

© Huffygirl 2014

 

TSA toothpaste: Now with extra whitening


john_s_pistoleJohn Pistole, administrator of the TSA, today announced a new venture for the Transportation Security Administration. “Up until today, the TSA has been vilified as a harsh, punitive body, known for limiting traveler’s rights, restricting items that may be brought onto planes, and for taking items away from travelers that might cause a safety concern. In recent days, this perception has become heightened, after concerns that terrorists might use toothpaste tubes to bring explosives onto planes, causing TSA agents to confiscate hundreds of tiny tubes of Crest and Colgate from angry travelers. But today, that will change. Today, the TSA becomes a giver to all travelers, with our new Toothpaste Reform Advantage Program (TRAP). Under TRAP, TSA agents will provide every airline passenger who passes through inspection without incident, with a free, travel- size tube of TSA Toothpaste.” Pistole further adds that travelers will be able to choose between regular and extra-whitening.

“My hope from now on is that travelers will see  TSA agents, not as restrictive punishers but as jolly givers, more Santa than Ayatollah. This new program will not only assist agents in keeping our airways safe, but give passengers a fresh clean smile.”

Pistole further  explained that TSA toothpaste meets all standards for the TSA, as well as the American Dental Association.

© Huffygirl 2014

A wild and crazy guide to Superbowl XLIIMCIV


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Okay, maybe that’s not the right Roman numeral for this Superbowl, but I’m sure it’s close. Here’s some easy definitions to help even the most football-naive to unravel this Sunday’s game.

football: a game using an oblong ball, in which the foot is seldom used to propel the ball forward.

Superbowl: a football game accompanied by excessive falderal, hype, and excitement, added on after football season is done so teams can earn extra cash and fans have an excuse to sit around and waste time on one additional Sunday

fans: people who enjoy watching commercials, drinking beer and eating traditional Superbowl foods while some sort of game plays out on the screen

opponents: the two teams selected to play in this annual spectacle of excess; in this case it’s the Denver Broncos versus the Seattle Seahawks

Bronco: a fiery, wild, untamed steed of the west, or the name of a Denver football team

Seahawk: a a novel by Rafael Sabatini, originally published in 1915, about a retired  Cornish seafaring gentleman, who is villainously betrayed by a jealous half-brother, or a less-impressive name for an osprey. And it’s a football team too.

commentators: beefy former football players and scrawny coaches who wear expensive suits and sit behind a desk blathering on about the game.

coach: the name used to address anyone who has ever coached a football team. Coach replaces the person’s first name, even when they are no longer coaching, so that everyone who speaks to them, including their wives,  addresses them as Coach, so much so that the coach and everyone else forgets what his actual first name is. This can be confusing if there is more than one coach around, so most commentator teams have only one former coach.

half-time: the intermission half way through the game when aging rockers perform songs with unintelligible lyrics while fireworks shoot off around them; and the time when fans use the bathroom and go out for more beer.

Peyton Manning: a southern gentleman named after what was once considered a racy novel, but would now a days leave nobody batting an eye, and the quarterback of the Denver Broncos.

Russel Wilson: the quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks, whom I clearly know nothing about.

football jargon: the real and made-up words used by football commentators when they obviously have nothing to say, but need to fill the million-dollar air time supported by their sponsors. Be sure to count how many times the commentators  say “physicality” or “power football” to help pass the time while you’re watching the game.

Velveeta: a cheese-like food considered by many to be a crucial part of any Superbowl day meal. Good luck finding some.

picks: the scores that fans predict for the winning team. My pick? Denver by 14.

New Jersey: a state populated by gangsters and Kardashians, and the site of this year’s Superbowl game. Why play a game in lovely California or Arizona when you could play in the blustery winter weather of Jersey, favored as the site of the next winter Olympics?

cannabis: a recreational drug legal in both Colorado and Washington state, coincidentally the homes of the two Superbowl competitors. Hmmm.

post-game show: the football hype that continues after the game where players wear Superbowl XLIIMCIV ball caps and douse each other with champagne and Gatorade. A fun time for everyone to be sure.

Be sure to print out this handy guide so you can impress your friends with your football knowledge while you watch this year’s game.

© Huffygirl 2014

Local blogger a person of interest in Velveeta shortage


Kraft confirms Velveeta shortage

A spokesperson for Kraft Foods has confirmed they are investigating a person of interest in the recent Velveeta shortage, dubbed “cheesepocalypse.” Says Kraft “Huffygirl, of Huffygirl’s Blog, is a known opponent of cheese in the American diet. Ms. Huffy actually states on her blog page that she is “…waging a one-woman war against cheese. It seems odd that we would develop manufacturing issues in our most popular cheese line, Velveeta, just before the Superbowl, the biggest cheese consumption day of the year.”

Although Huffygirl could not be reached for comment, she issued a statement via her blog. “While I’m flattered that Kraft Foods thinks I am powerful enough to influence their manufacturing process, I confess that I had nothing to do with the so-called cheesepocalypse. Although  I am opposed to the over-consumption of cheese and it’s counterparts, such as manufactured cheese-like food, as is the case with Velveeta, I would in no way attempt to thwart those engaged in the cheese-food industry.” Huffygirl goes on to say “I encourage Americans to take this cheese-food shortage as an opportunity to improve their health by reducing or eliminating their consumption of cheese and cheese-like foods.”

© Huffygirl 2014

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Size matters


size chart, https://huffygirl.wordpress.com, © Huffygirl 2014Aha. You thought this was going to be about something else, didn’t you? But, alas, it is indeed about another very important issue of dissatisfaction for women: clothing sizes. Most women, at least in the states, have grappled at some time with the inaccuracies and frustrations of women’s clothing sizing. Unlike men, who will find their sizes fit true in almost any store, catalog or online retailer, women are constantly guessing at sizes, trying on items in every store, and mailing online purchases back because what you thought would be a size medium turned out to really be sized like a small. Sigh. There probably are a few perfect size zero women out there who don’t have to deal with this, but I expect most women know exactly what I’m talking about.

Then, there is the sizing secret code terminology. Men have it easy. Sizes are clearly described as regular, tall, short, portly (a diplomatic code word for overweight), and slim. But for women? Nooooo. I clearly remember the day I explained what women’s clothing terminology actually means to my sons. Misses or missy is code for average or regular, and uses even numbers such as 2, 4, 6, 8 etc. . Juniors is for average height but slim build, and uses odd numbers – 3, 5, 7 etc.  Petite is for short women 5′ 3″‘ and under, but of small to average build, and uses even numbers. Half-sizes, probably the most confusing of all, is for short women of stocky/overweight build, and uses even numbers with half added.  And women’s, which one might think is actually what should be for all women, is in fact, for average to tall height and stocky/overweight build. Whew. My kids stared open-mouthed at the end of this explanation, and said “nuhuh.” I concur.

Sizes such as small, medium, large, extra-large, are especially problematic. If I buy a regular T-shirt, I can probably get a small or medium. But if it is a fitted tee, I would have to get a large or extra-large. But generally fitted tees don’t come larger than large, so if the large, which actually fits more like a medium or small, is too small, I am out of luck. Case in point: The size chart above is for a pair of ladies exercise compression shorts. I had bought them before so I knew to skip the trying on and go right to my size. This can sometimes be dangerous though, as I’ve often discovered that I can wear a certain size at one store, but come back another day, still the same height and weight, and find that size no longer fits. And my size in these shorts? Large. Yep, large. According to the chart, for my 5’ 2″ height and weight, I should easily fit into a small, or maybe a medium if I want them to be a little more roomy. According to the table, size large starts for women at 5’7″ and 190 pounds, through 5’11” and 170 pounds. Most of the time I know better than to even pay any attention to size charts, but I found this one especially vexing and just had to share. Meanwhile, while I’m going through all this work to find a few things that fit, my husband can walk into any store, pick up a size 32 waist pants, and will find they fit perfectly 99.9% of the time. And I forgot to mention that all sizes change according to the quality of the store. A small in Talbot’s or Macy’s would probably be a medium or large in Wal-Mart or K-Mart. And often two identical items of the same brand and size will fit differently. I could go on and on.

So why are women’s clothing sizes so random? Part of it lies in the way clothes are made. If the fabric is at the end of the roll and the cutter is cutting out mediums, the last couple shirts will be cut a little smaller to get more product from the fabric, but still are labeled “medium.” Part of it comes from appealing to women’s vanity. I might feel better about myself if I’m buying a small instead of a medium, unless I start thinking about how my small would really be a medium or large in a less expensive store. Then, it just becomes depressing. Probably many people remember the recent brouhaha over remarks made by Abercrombie and Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries. Jeffries asserted that A & F only carries female clothing up to size 10 (which is really a 6 or 8 in other stores) because “…we only want cool, thin people wearing our clothes…” And that about sums up the problems of women’s clothing industry.

Huffygirl in her size large shorts.

Huffygirl in her size large shorts.

© Huffygirl 2014