Sick of campaign ads? Now there’s Blatherblock


Biden's 2008 campaign logo

Like a recurring locust swarm, it comes every four years. At first, just a few cards in the mail, a few TV ads, But as November approaches, the bombardment escalates. The robo calls. TV ads. Texts. Snail mail. Email. Pop-ups. How can you protect yourself from the bombardment of campaign ads? It seems there is no escape.

Until now. Now, there’s Blatherblock. Blatherblock protects users from annoying campaign ads delivered online, on TV, in email, text message and snail mail. No other ad-blocking app offers such complete protection.

Blatherblock uses proprietary methods to protect you from unwanted campaign blather. Once you sign up for Blatherblock, within the next 24 hours your protection begins. With Blatherblock protection, you can answer your phone, open email, open your mail box and check messages without fear or anxiety, confident that you and your inbox will be protected from blather.

Has this ever happened to you? You come home from a hard day at the office, flop down in front of the TV to relax, but get bombarded with annoying campaign ads. With Blatherblock, your TV watching will once again be blather-free. Blatherblock discretely replaces annoying campaign blather on your TV screen too, seamlessly blocking campaign ads and replacing them with  delightful alternatives. Choose from  Daily Affirmations by Stuart Smalley, the ever-popular Andy Griffith Show,  the original Dallas, featuring the indomitable Larry Hagman, or hundreds of other blather replacements. Just make your selection from the Blatherblock  Replacement Menu when you log into your account at www.blathernomore.net

Still not convinced? How can I know that Blatherblock is right for me? Just ask yourself the following questions. Is my time important? Is this an election year? Do I want to enjoy my personal time in peace?

If your answered  yes to one or more questions, then Blatherblock is right for you. Sign up today!

© Huffygirl 2012

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Denver to import oxygen from Canada


Roxborough State Park near Denver (© Huffygirl 2012)

Denver, the mile-high capital of Colorado, is known for its sunshine, microbreweries, and picturesque snow-capped mountains. Now, it will also be known for its oxygen. Mayor Michael Hancock announced today that Denver will begin importing oxygen from Canada. “While Denver denizens are used to our oxygen-poor atmosphere, it can have a deterrent effect on visitors when selecting their vacation destination. Now, with the importation of oxygen from Canada, visitors from all altitudes will want to choose Denver as their vacation spot.” Mayor Hancock announced today that the oxygen importation system, Canadian Over-road Oxygen (CO2) should be up and running in time for Denver’s huge annual July 4th celebration. “Denver residents will notice little change, but our visitors will discover they can run, climb and engage in endurance sports, without experiencing headaches or breathlessness. Higher oxygen levels will boost tourism, and in turn, the Denver economy. In contrast, Canada has many sparsely populated areas, where oxygen hangs in the air unused. By buying oxygen from Canada’s under-utilized areas, it’s a win-win situation for all: Denver gets higher oxygen and more tourism, and Canada earns money for exporting a resource they’re not using anyway”

Huffygirl at Tiny Town, near Morrison, CO (© Huffygirl 2012)

Some Denver citizens expressed displeasure over the news. “We Denverites pride ourselves on the fitness we’ve achieved by living with less oxygen than others,” says concerned citizen Chris B. of suburban Denver. But Denver visitors welcome the change. “I get headaches every time I visit the mile-high city,” says recent visitor Donna Barry, author of Huffygirl’s Blog. “For once I’d like to visit my grandchildren without worrying if Denver has reserved enough oxygen for me.”

© Huffygirl 2012

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US takes advantage of Canada’s cost saving move


Coins of the Canadian dollar

Coins of the Canadian dollar (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On the heels of Canada’s announcement of phasing out the penny from circulation, US Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy  Geithner, announced a new program to boost the economy, and save taxpayers millions of dollars over the next few years. Today, in a surprise press conference, Geithner announced that the US Treasury will adopt the Canadian penny, and cease production of the current Lincoln cent. Geithner explained: ” While Canada has been producing their penny at a cost of for 1.6 cents, production of the US cent runs 2.6 cents. By stopping production of our own pennies, and buying up the Canadian reserves, US taxpayers will see a savings of one cent per penny, which, ironically, is exactly what our penny is worth.”

In a special arrangement between the US and Canadian Treasury Departments, the US will buy pennies from Canada, at 1.6 cents each, and gradually phase the Canadian cent into US circulation. During the phase-in period, expected to last about six months, both the Lincoln cent and the Canadian cent will be considered legal tender. At the end of the phase in period, only Canadian pennies will be accepted as US tender. At that time, Geithner predicts an even further boost to our economy, as coin collectors and speculators will hoard the Lincoln cents, then buy and sell the defunct coin on eBay, Craig’s List, and at coin shows throughout the country. “This will be even bigger than the Susan B. Anthony dollar,” predicts Geithner. “The demise of the Lincoln penny may just be the answer to bringing the country out of recession and turning the economy around.”

While some question the validity of adopting another country’s currency as our own, Geithner refutes this point. “Americans are used to outsourcing. We have India running our call centers, China producing our iPhones and Japan making our TVs. Why not have Canada produce our pennies?”

© Huffygirl April 1, 2012

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Bounty For All


aafad 245/365 too late ...

Why should football players have all the fun? Sure, they’re highly paid professionals, who’ve worked hard to get where they are today, yet still like to have a little “fun” in the process. But don’t you deserve to have “fun” too? After all, you’re a professional, accomplished business person. Probably not as highly paid as those NFL guys, but that’s about to change. Because now there’s Bounty Office.

Bounty Office lets you join in the same kind of good-natured workplace “fun” that NFL players enjoy every day. Bounty Office increases workplace productivity and office camaraderie by motivating workers to stay competitive and edgy in the workplace. Using financial incentives and other means, Bounty Office keeps workers sharp, not just from 9-5, but in the parking lot too. And on the way out to their cars. And in the restroom.

Best of all, you can start Bounty Office today at no cost to your company. Bounty Office is  an employee-financed incentive program. Once you form your Bounty Office “team,” coworkers buy-in to the incentive program, then start reaping the benefits. Bounty Office provides software to help you manage funds, track rewards, and plan future incentive programs.

Choose the level of Bounty Office that’s right for you. Small offices or those with older workers may want to start with Bounty Light. Bounty Light rewards workers for such things as cutting someone off at the copy machine, pushing past others at the time clock, and being first out of the parking lot at the end of the work day. Not enough challenge? Then try Bounty Goals. With Bounty Goals, your employees will work hard to “beat” out others for promotions, “battle” over vacant office space, and “throw down” for the last cup of coffee. Still not enough of a challenge? Then try Bounty Pro*. Bounty Pro challenges workers to bring their physicality and full-court press to each work day. Yes, once you sign up for Bounty Pro, you get to use words like physicality at the office every day, just like those other pros. With Bounty Pro, your workers will be watching their backs, and their rewards, 24/7. Workers will stay  alert, focused and on their toes with Bounty Pro.

Don’t be left out. Choose your participation level, then sign up for Bounty Office today.

*Offices using Bounty Pro are required to provide proof of full employee health insurance benefits at sign up.

(Disclaimer: This is a satire piece. Huffygirl does not mean to suggest that such bounty programs actually exist, because that would be wrong. Horribly wrong.)

© Huffygirl 2012

WordPress taken over by aliens


WordPress Logo

Image via Wikipedia

For the past week or so, WordPress bloggers have been puzzled by the strange and unexplained absence of WP staff and support. WP bloggers first noticed the absence of WP staffers when the WP home page, Freshly Pressed, remained unchanged for over a week. Bloggers became  abuzz on WP forums until someone noticed an unobtrusive message on the support page:

Support is closed while the company meets up and works together for the next week. We will be back on October 29th.”

Hmm. All right it’s already been more than a week, and October 29 will make it another week. What’s really happening at WordPress? The only logical explanation is:  aliens. Yup. WP has been taken over by aliens. It makes sense. If WP staffers were really at some kind of working retreat, they would have posted an announcement on the home page, something logical like:

 “We are on a working retreat and will return on October 29. In the meantime, fend for yourselves, bloggers. If you need support, forget about it. Problems with your dashboard – deal with it. We’ll be back refreshed and ready to help you on October 29. In the meantime, grow up.”

You know, something like that. Instead – nothing. The aliens swooped in, took over, and are still figuring out the programs and how to assimilate themselves into the WP staffers bodies. So no fake announcements, no business as usual, no support. They’re feigning busyness until they get the hang of things, then will surreptitiously take over. No doubt WP bloggers will not even notice the transition. Even know, the aliens may be brainwashing us through our dashboards, trying to assimilate us too. But hey, that’s silly, that could never &&%%$# ***^%$#&&   ))(*&&%$### 

Huffygirl is meeting up with other WP bloggers for a working retreat and will be back soon.

© Huffygirl 2011

Unsafe Corn Prompts Early Warning System


Official portrait of United States Secretary o...

Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack (Image courtesy of Wikipedia)

The continuing sluggish economy and global warming have necessitated the institution of a “tall corn warning system” in U.S. farming communities, reports  Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack. “With farming costs at an all time high, farmers this season have taken to planting their crops closer to the field’s edge, in order to take full advantage of fertilizer and irrigation applications as a cost savings measure. Crops planted this closely to the roadways, combined with unusually high plant growth resulting from our globally warmed climate, has caused many tall crops, and in particular corn, to create a safety hazard on our American roadways. ” Vilsack goes on to cite multiple instances of accidents where motorists were unable to see oncoming traffic at intersections hemmed in by unusually tall corn. In corncentric communities, such as some towns in Kansas, the tall corn dangers have reached epic proportions. In that regard, Vilsack has plugged into President Obama’s recent proposed job bill to put a  tall corn safety warning system into place. 

Vilsack’s tall corn warning system is expected to employ two threat levels, similar to what is currently used for tornadoes and other natural disasters. The first level, tall corn watch, indicates that conditions are such that tall corn may be creating hazardous conditions along roadways. The second level, tall corn warning means that tall corn is present, creating a severe safe driving hazard, and motorists should take immediate steps to remove themselves from the path of impending tall corn. “We decided to completely avoid the color-coded warning system, such as yellow or green, as this might have been confusing to motorists, causing them to believe the color indicates the ripeness of the corn, rather than the level of the threat,” notes Vilsack. “The current warning system used for storms, although often ignored by local citizens, is for the most part familiar and tried and true.”

Vilsack has appointed the agriculture company of Argonautic Industries to subcontract the employment of workers to implement the new warning system, dubbed  the Multifocal Agricultural Initiative for a Zeitgeist of corn Ecology (MAIZE). Under the auspices of President Obama’s recent jobs bill,  MAIZE workers will be immediately deployed to place tall corn warning system signs in high-risk areas, thus taking hundreds off the unemployment rolls, and boosting our economy, at no cost to taxpayers. Vilsack plans to focus on high corn growth areas first, then expand around the country, with early warning signs already in place in some areas. Says Vilsack, “America has serious problems, but now, thanks to Mr. Obama and MAIZE, Americans will have one less worry: the threat of tall corn.”

© Huffygirl 2011

Satire Friday: Onionesque


Barack Obama calls for change

Image by Unlisted Sightings via Flickr

Perhaps you’ve heard of The Onion, the often profane, usually funny, totally made-up news source, which now boasts print newspapers and a multifaceted web site. I was first introduced to The Onion by my then college aged son, who could grab a free copy of The Onion on the University of Michigan campus from a corner newspaper box. The Onion’s theme, which is fully disclosed in its editorial details is this: 1) all stories are fiction, and 2) many stories are R-rated and not appropriate for children. Stories in The Onion start out sounding like genuine news, often about well-known public figures. They cite quotes from real or real-sounding people, give names of actual people and places, employ legitimate-sounding statistics, and use photos of real folks, although with heavy application of  Photoshop.  They often spoof a current news crisis issue, and take it to extremes, such as in this gem about President Obama:

Obama Earns Money for US by Appearing in Japanese Television Commercial 

Someone unfamiliar with The Onion, who just happened across the paper or website, may at first glance think they’re reading a plausible news story. But in short order, stories go from somewhat plausible to sketchy, to improbable, all the while laced with satire and hilariously ironic details. As one gets farther into the newspaper/website,  the stories are often cruder, vulgar, and R-rated  – too risqué for my tastes, which shows that even the best satire writers are only great part of the time. I stick to and endorse only the few front page stories that are cleverly written and funny, and leave the crude ones for those who appreciate that kind of writing. 

My appreciation of fine, made-up satirical news has led me to dabble in some my own made-up news stories at times, to the point that I’ve decided to start my own onion-like category, aptly titled Onionesque. Look for some new Onionesque posts soon. In the meantime, you can revisit some of my old Onionesque posts if you’re feeling ready for a dose of healthy news-related satire.

Senate Bill 2274: McCain-Logan

Angry Bloggers Storm WordPress Headquarters

Set for Life

© Huffygirl 2011

Angry bloggers storm WordPress headquarters


WordPress Headquarters, in Redwood City, CA, was the site of an angry mob scene that escalated into violence on Friday, April 1, 2011. Over 400,000 people, some carrying clubs and knives, stormed the building en mass. The crowd surrounded the building, blocked the exits, then swarmed inside, easily overwhelming Chuck the security guard and his dog Buffy at the entrance. Before police could arrive, the crowd had  smashed computers, spilled soy lattes out onto the floor, pulled smart phones from the fists of WordPress staffers, and carried off Matt Mullenweg, CEO of WordPress and Buffy, both of whom remain missing.  By the time police had arrived, the crowd had dispersed, leaving behind WordPress “happiness engineers” cowering under their desks, whimpering and clutching their useless iPhones. 

After questioning the surviving WordPress workers, police investigator Owen Hardiman briefed reporters on the situation. “It seems that an April Fool’s Day

CEO Matt Mullenweg

prank, perpetrated by WordPress staffers, enraged the users and caused the riot.” Tech savvy WP bloggers posted messages on their blogs on Friday to organize a flash mob, after discovering that WP had exaggerated their blog stats, in what was intended to be a humorous April Fool’s Day prank. WordPress statistics engineer Andy Skelton explained. “On Friday April 1, we changed our WP statistics software to display erroneous results. For instance, if a blogger had 40 views on his/her blog that day, the stats bar graph displayed 400 views. We meant it as  harmless prank, but unfortunately we underestimated how much our bloggers love their stats. It seems that they don’t take kindly to anyone messing with their blog view numbers. Hindsight is 20/20 or course, and we wish we had realized this earlier.”

The crime remains under investigation, but police fear the perpetrators may never be found. “Unfortunately, most of these bloggers use code names like Huffygirl, AM333Fantasyfic,  and Coming east, so it’s difficult to discover their true identities,” reports Chief Hardiman.

Meanwhile, WordPress blogs remain operative, as the WP servers continue to operate at an undisclosed location. “We’re doing everything we can to keep our 400,000+ bloggers happy at this point.” reports Skelton. We wouldn’t want a repeat of the April Fool’s Day massacre.

(Touche’ WP. Happy April Fool’s Day)

© Huffygirl 2011

Satire Friday: Senate Bill 2274, McCain-Logan


This week Senator John McCain introduced Bill 2274 on the senate floor. The bill, now being promoted as McCain-Logan proposes extreme measures for dealing with unemployment. McCain admits, that the proposed bill, while radical, is necessary in light of continued rising unemployment. Discouraging unemployment figures, despite new job growth, led to the extreme measure.  “Unemployment remains at 9.6%, despite a recent net gain of 151,000 jobs; 14.8 million people are out of work. At this rate, the country would have to create 250,000 jobs per month for the next 10 years, in order to reduce the unemployment rate to 5%,” noted McCain. “These figures project a dismal future for workers in our country. Our choice is clear – create more jobs, or reduce workers.”

Logan's Run (Photo courtesy of IMDb)

In an interview on NBC’s Today Show, McCain outlined his proposal while under fire from show host, the ever-caustic Matt Lauer. McCain admitted to Lauer that the inspiration for his bill came from his recent viewing of the 1976 Sci-Fi film, Logan’s Run. “I had never seen this movie before and ran across it one night while unable to sleep. In the film, the members of a post-apocalyptical society live in a domed city, believing that the world around them is uninhabitable. Faced with limited resources, the inhabitants enforce radical rules for population control, which results in the inhabitants of the dome able to continue living there without using up their space and resources.” While Lauer questioned McCain’s  proposal as barbaric, and likely illegal, McCain persisted. “Our population refuses to control itself. Thanks to medical advances, people like Dick Cheney are living well into their 70’s and 80’s and showing no signs of gracefully giving up their space. These oldsters, especially the ones who insist on continuing to work, many at highly paid positions, are, quite frankly, depriving younger people of jobs and resources in the process. Meanwhile the government struggles to support these folks with unemployment benefits, food stamps and the like” When Lauer rightly pointed out that a bill such as this would end McCain’s own career, McCain became enraged, jumped up on the couch and shouted “It’s time for Carousel, dammit.”  Head of NBC security, Francis Sandman was called in to subdue McCain, while NBC was forced to cut to commercial.

McCain’s spokesperson later issued the following statement: “Senator McCain is resting under a doctor’s care. He is suffering from extreme exhaustion related to his tireless work for the American people. Mr. McCain is expected to make a full recovery and return to the Senate in time to chair the subcommittee to review Bill 2274.”

(This all makes more sense if you’re familiar with the cult classic, Logan’s Run. Click the link below, or better yet, see the movie!)                  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074812/

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