Shutdown furloughs “Onion” writers


Lincoln Memorial

Will Tracy, editor in chief of the nation’s foremost made-up news source, The Onion, announced today that the government shutdown has forced the furlough of Onion’s writers. “As readers know, our specialty as a news source is making up ridiculous, implausible “news” stories, but cleverly portraying them as truth. However, the current actual news coming out of Washington is in itself so ludicrous, so improbable, that real news is difficult to distinguish from made up stories. Since basically, The Onion news is just writing itself, there seems little point in employing writers to make up additional stories.

 

Tracy cites examples from the news this week, as evidence of real news taking on a onionesque quality. “Consider these headlines:”

 

“Shutdown leaves thousands of lab mice in limbo: workers scurry to separate males to prevent vermin overrun.”

 

“Government shutdown blocks veteran’s death benefit checks: legislator’s paychecks somehow slip through.”

 

“Shutdown threatens chicken plants.”

 

“Lawnmower man at Lincoln Memorial thwarts authorities.”

 

Tracey assures The Onion’s writers that they will be recalled as soon as the shutdown ceases, once again allowing “normal” made-up news to the forefront. “And, just like government workers, the writers will receive back pay for their non-productive time off. After all, this is America.”

 

© Huffygirl 2013

 

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Create your own shutdown


English: Opening logo to the Star Wars films

“Shut them ALL down. Hurry!” C-3PO, Star Wars

Why should the US congresspersons have all the fun? Now, you too can avoid responsibilities under the guise of budget constraints and create your own shutdown. Follow these easy steps.

1. Decide what you want to shut down – your home, office, after school activities, or, choose the C-3PO method and shut them all down.

2. Inform your family, coworkers, and others who might be affected, that due to budget constraints, you are obliged to shut down (insert selected area here) beginning at midnight on (insert start date – the sooner the better.)

3. Prior to your shut down date, decide what things you want to shut down and what things will remain open. For instance, if you are having a home shutdown, you might elect to shut down the kitchen, but allow take out food to continue. Or perhaps shut down the laundry room, but allow send-out laundry. Or shut down your office, except allow payroll to continue. You see where this is going.

4. Begin your shutdown. If anyone complains, remind them that you have bravely chosen shutdown to prevent unappropriated spending and to save money for (insert name of shut down entity here.)

5. Continue your shutdown for as long as you like. There really is no reason to stop, unless perhaps, if boredom occurs from doing nothing. But so far our legislators have not encountered this, so why should you?

© Huffygirl 2013

How to run your country in ten easy steps


White House Front

1. Put out of touch, wealthy people in charge. Leave them in charge for a long time so they’ll have lots of power be more effective.

2. Allocate unlimited funds for arms and war.

3. Allocate unlimited funds for saber-rattling with other countries.

4. Allocate copious funds for relief in other countries.

5. Whenever the budget runs low from steps  2-4, stop paying the hard-working ancillary people in the government and call it a “government shutdown.” Keep paying the wealthy people in charge.

6. Limit  and periodically cut funds for education. Give it a fancy name like “sequester” so it sounds serious. Make schools struggle with limited means and then cry incompetence when students do poorly in comparison with those in other countries.

7. When the poorly performing students grow up and are unable to support themselves financially,  make them dependent upon government entitlements for their food, income and health care.

8. Whenever the budget runs low, cut the entitlements that you’ve made your citizens dependent upon in step 7.

9. Legalize gambling, tobacco, lottery tickets and marijuana, so the poor citizens who lack education and income will have some way to comfort themselves over their miserable situation, thus ensuring continued poverty, unemployment, obesity, and poor health. Then cut funding for unemployment and health care and decry the rising obesity rates in your country.

10. Repeat these steps annually, while periodically decrying  the poor state of the country and the government deficit.

Bonus step: Have the people in charge periodically pass laws that irritate the masses so they will have less time to feel  miserable about the state of their country. Things like limiting light bulb wattage and shower head flow and making people take off their shoes in airports work best.

 

© Huffygirl 2013