Shutdown furloughs “Onion” writers

Lincoln Memorial

Will Tracy, editor in chief of the nation’s foremost made-up news source, The Onion, announced today that the government shutdown has forced the furlough of Onion’s writers. “As readers know, our specialty as a news source is making up ridiculous, implausible “news” stories, but cleverly portraying them as truth. However, the current actual news coming out of Washington is in itself so ludicrous, so improbable, that real news is difficult to distinguish from made up stories. Since basically, The Onion news is just writing itself, there seems little point in employing writers to make up additional stories.


Tracy cites examples from the news this week, as evidence of real news taking on a onionesque quality. “Consider these headlines:”


“Shutdown leaves thousands of lab mice in limbo: workers scurry to separate males to prevent vermin overrun.”


“Government shutdown blocks veteran’s death benefit checks: legislator’s paychecks somehow slip through.”


“Shutdown threatens chicken plants.”


“Lawnmower man at Lincoln Memorial thwarts authorities.”


Tracey assures The Onion’s writers that they will be recalled as soon as the shutdown ceases, once again allowing “normal” made-up news to the forefront. “And, just like government workers, the writers will receive back pay for their non-productive time off. After all, this is America.”


© Huffygirl 2013


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10 thoughts on “Shutdown furloughs “Onion” writers

  1. Agghh. I haven’t seen anything like this since the height of the Watergate Crisis insanity, when satirist Art Buchwald announced he was putting his daily column * on hold, because every time he made up an unbelievably ridiculous Watergate story, it came true two weeks later.

    And that’s exactly what had been happening, too.

    * (“Column” – thing that used to be printed in newspapers before there were blogs)

  2. Ironic how this crisis was supposedly about government spending, and the shutdown cost the American people BILLIONS of dollars! Also, the government workers who were furloughed will get back pay, but what about all the small business people who had to let go of their employees and even lose their businesses? Just collateral damage.

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