A wild and crazy guide to Superbowl XLIIMCIV


super-bowl-2014

Okay, maybe that’s not the right Roman numeral for this Superbowl, but I’m sure it’s close. Here’s some easy definitions to help even the most football-naive to unravel this Sunday’s game.

football: a game using an oblong ball, in which the foot is seldom used to propel the ball forward.

Superbowl: a football game accompanied by excessive falderal, hype, and excitement, added on after football season is done so teams can earn extra cash and fans have an excuse to sit around and waste time on one additional Sunday

fans: people who enjoy watching commercials, drinking beer and eating traditional Superbowl foods while some sort of game plays out on the screen

opponents: the two teams selected to play in this annual spectacle of excess; in this case it’s the Denver Broncos versus the Seattle Seahawks

Bronco: a fiery, wild, untamed steed of the west, or the name of a Denver football team

Seahawk: a a novel by Rafael Sabatini, originally published in 1915, about a retired  Cornish seafaring gentleman, who is villainously betrayed by a jealous half-brother, or a less-impressive name for an osprey. And it’s a football team too.

commentators: beefy former football players and scrawny coaches who wear expensive suits and sit behind a desk blathering on about the game.

coach: the name used to address anyone who has ever coached a football team. Coach replaces the person’s first name, even when they are no longer coaching, so that everyone who speaks to them, including their wives,  addresses them as Coach, so much so that the coach and everyone else forgets what his actual first name is. This can be confusing if there is more than one coach around, so most commentator teams have only one former coach.

half-time: the intermission half way through the game when aging rockers perform songs with unintelligible lyrics while fireworks shoot off around them; and the time when fans use the bathroom and go out for more beer.

Peyton Manning: a southern gentleman named after what was once considered a racy novel, but would now a days leave nobody batting an eye, and the quarterback of the Denver Broncos.

Russel Wilson: the quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks, whom I clearly know nothing about.

football jargon: the real and made-up words used by football commentators when they obviously have nothing to say, but need to fill the million-dollar air time supported by their sponsors. Be sure to count how many times the commentators  say “physicality” or “power football” to help pass the time while you’re watching the game.

Velveeta: a cheese-like food considered by many to be a crucial part of any Superbowl day meal. Good luck finding some.

picks: the scores that fans predict for the winning team. My pick? Denver by 14.

New Jersey: a state populated by gangsters and Kardashians, and the site of this year’s Superbowl game. Why play a game in lovely California or Arizona when you could play in the blustery winter weather of Jersey, favored as the site of the next winter Olympics?

cannabis: a recreational drug legal in both Colorado and Washington state, coincidentally the homes of the two Superbowl competitors. Hmmm.

post-game show: the football hype that continues after the game where players wear Superbowl XLIIMCIV ball caps and douse each other with champagne and Gatorade. A fun time for everyone to be sure.

Be sure to print out this handy guide so you can impress your friends with your football knowledge while you watch this year’s game.

© Huffygirl 2014