Huffygirl’s Blog moving to Canada!

Today, Huffygirl, author of Huffygirl’s Blog, announced that Huffygirl’s Blog is moving to Canada. “While some might suppose that Huffygirl’s Blog is moving to Canada purely to take advantage of tax reductions, that is not the case” announced Huffygirl today on her blog. “Canada is a lovely county which is clearly underrepresented in the blogging world. By moving my blog to Canada, while maintaining my US presence as well, Canadians will have greater representation, and therefore, greater power in the blogging community.”

Some critics have suggested that Huffygirl’s Blog may become changed, and less American with this move to Canada. To these critics, Huffygirl replies “I don’t know what that is aboot. Huffygirl’s Blog will retain its American flavor despite its new Canadian location, and remain exactly the same, eh.”

© Huffygirl 2014

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GM to recall all vehicles ever made

In a surprising move, Mary Barra, CEO of GM announced a massive vehicle recall. “In an effort to provide a safe driving experience for our customers and restore confidence in our brand,  we have decided to issue a recall of all our vehicles. ” Barra explained: “While there is no particular safety concern with all of the models that have not been previously recalled, in the interest of restoring confidence, we have decided to just take them all back. If you are driving a GM car, just bring it in.” Details were sketchy on how customer’s would be compensated for their returned vehicles, but GM officials offered no further explanation on the matter.

© Huffygirl 2014

 

TSA toothpaste: Now with extra whitening

John Pistole, administrator of the TSA, today announced a new venture for the Transportation Security Administration. “Up until today, the TSA has been vilified as a harsh, punitive body, known for limiting traveler’s rights, restricting items that may be brought onto planes, and for taking items away from travelers that might cause a safety concern. In recent days, this perception has become heightened, after concerns that terrorists might use toothpaste tubes to bring explosives onto planes, causing TSA agents to confiscate hundreds of tiny tubes of Crest and Colgate from angry travelers. But today, that will change. Today, the TSA becomes a giver to all travelers, with our new Toothpaste Reform Advantage Program (TRAP). Under TRAP, TSA agents will provide every airline passenger who passes through inspection without incident, with a free, travel- size tube of TSA Toothpaste.” Pistole further adds that travelers will be able to choose between regular and extra-whitening.

“My hope from now on is that travelers will see  TSA agents, not as restrictive punishers but as jolly givers, more Santa than Ayatollah. This new program will not only assist agents in keeping our airways safe, but give passengers a fresh clean smile.”

Pistole further  explained that TSA toothpaste meets all standards for the TSA, as well as the American Dental Association.

© Huffygirl 2014

A wild and crazy guide to Superbowl XLIIMCIV

Okay, maybe that’s not the right Roman numeral for this Superbowl, but I’m sure it’s close. Here’s some easy definitions to help even the most football-naive to unravel this Sunday’s game.

football: a game using an oblong ball, in which the foot is seldom used to propel the ball forward.

Superbowl: a football game accompanied by excessive falderal, hype, and excitement, added on after football season is done so teams can earn extra cash and fans have an excuse to sit around and waste time on one additional Sunday

fans: people who enjoy watching commercials, drinking beer and eating traditional Superbowl foods while some sort of game plays out on the screen

opponents: the two teams selected to play in this annual spectacle of excess; in this case it’s the Denver Broncos versus the Seattle Seahawks

Bronco: a fiery, wild, untamed steed of the west, or the name of a Denver football team

Seahawk: a a novel by Rafael Sabatini, originally published in 1915, about a retired  Cornish seafaring gentleman, who is villainously betrayed by a jealous half-brother, or a less-impressive name for an osprey. And it’s a football team too.

commentators: beefy former football players and scrawny coaches who wear expensive suits and sit behind a desk blathering on about the game.

coach: the name used to address anyone who has ever coached a football team. Coach replaces the person’s first name, even when they are no longer coaching, so that everyone who speaks to them, including their wives,  addresses them as Coach, so much so that the coach and everyone else forgets what his actual first name is. This can be confusing if there is more than one coach around, so most commentator teams have only one former coach.

half-time: the intermission half way through the game when aging rockers perform songs with unintelligible lyrics while fireworks shoot off around them; and the time when fans use the bathroom and go out for more beer.

Peyton Manning: a southern gentleman named after what was once considered a racy novel, but would now a days leave nobody batting an eye, and the quarterback of the Denver Broncos.

Russel Wilson: the quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks, whom I clearly know nothing about.

football jargon: the real and made-up words used by football commentators when they obviously have nothing to say, but need to fill the million-dollar air time supported by their sponsors. Be sure to count how many times the commentators  say “physicality” or “power football” to help pass the time while you’re watching the game.

Velveeta: a cheese-like food considered by many to be a crucial part of any Superbowl day meal. Good luck finding some.

picks: the scores that fans predict for the winning team. My pick? Denver by 14.

New Jersey: a state populated by gangsters and Kardashians, and the site of this year’s Superbowl game. Why play a game in lovely California or Arizona when you could play in the blustery winter weather of Jersey, favored as the site of the next winter Olympics?

cannabis: a recreational drug legal in both Colorado and Washington state, coincidentally the homes of the two Superbowl competitors. Hmmm.

post-game show: the football hype that continues after the game where players wear Superbowl XLIIMCIV ball caps and douse each other with champagne and Gatorade. A fun time for everyone to be sure.

Be sure to print out this handy guide so you can impress your friends with your football knowledge while you watch this year’s game.

© Huffygirl 2014

A Christmas tree for Scarface

A storm brewing over the tree farm, or my finger over the lens?

Suppose you’re feeling down because you fell and broke your face, and nothing has seemed right since. What could cheer you up more than going out to cut a Christmas tree on a bright sunny day, unless of course you are Jewish, in which case, it wouldn’t cheer you up at all. But, since I am not Jewish, is was just the what I needed.

Best Husband and I loaded up the family van, which ironically, has no family at all to ride in it, and headed out with the required accoutrements:

• a genuine 1960’s snowmobile suit, a wardrobe staple since our kids were old enough to be embarrassed by their parent’s outfits
• a beat-up orange hand saw, rescued from my dad’s garage, also circa 1960
• old shoes and boots for slogging through the tree farm mud
• an entry coupon for the tree farm’s annual  “Win $500 dollars” drawing, which we have dutifully completed since 1974, and as far as we know, has never been won by anyone

A half hour later we had reached our destination: a family owned local Christmas tree farm, which despite being within spitting distance of my childhood home, I had never visited until I grew up, moved away  and married the man with the snowmobile suit.

Being Christmas tree pros, we headed right to the Douglas Fir section. Eschewing our usual tactic of wandering around among 50 to 75 trees and finally picking one when we were too cold to no longer care, we instead drove to the far end of the Douglas Fir section, ogling the choices along the way. In the end, when we finally got out to walk among the tree choices, we picked the second one we saw. This sure beats our usual method of letting our frozen brains make the choice, and was ironic to boot, since the day was especially balmy for Michigan, and we could have afforded to wander among the trees for some time without risk of freezing.

Best Husband, grounded.

The rest of our cut your own Christmas tree tradition involved our handing over the tree to underpaid tree farm workers, who stand out in the cold all day and half the night from Thanksgiving to December 24th, putting trees through the shaker and baler and helping city folks load them into their yuppie vans and SUVs. Sometimes this includes broad gestures and lots of nodding if the workers happen to be non-English speaking migrants, which only adds to the charm of this annual event.

Once home, our tree awaits the appropriate time for decorating, as BH and I are not the kind of people who put up Christmas trees the day after Thanksgiving.

Trees for Christmas Future.

Related post:

It wouldn’t be Christmas without Kling (huffygirl.wordpress.com)

Christmas shopping=bah humbug (huffygirl.wordpress.com)

© Huffygirl 2013

 

 

Just in time for Thanksgiving – the Turtato

I’m sure you’ve heard about people who have opened a bag of chips or made a grilled cheese sandwich and discovered their food has been graced with the  image of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Well, not quite as exciting but almost as good. I bought a basket of potatoes from a local farmer at the farmer’s market. It looked like an ordinary little basket of potatoes, until I got it home. I dumped the bag out on the counter, and discovered  – the turtao, or maybe a poturkey. It’s a potato in the shape of a turkey. Divine intervention in the potato patch, or over-active imagination? You decide.

© Huffygirl 2013

O Bamacare: It’s Candian eh

Barack Obama signing the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act at the White House (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What do you do when you want to bring health insurance to an entire nation? Call Canada of course. Canada, our friendly neighbor to the north, is the expert in bloated governmental bodies bringing health care to the masses, having had a publicly funded national health insurance system since 1984, coincidentally the same year for which George Orwell predicted a reign of post-apocalyptic social Darwinism. Our government, not wanting us to miss out on the same success the Canadians have had, hired CGI, Canada’s largest tech company, to build the Obama care website, apparently unphased that fellow Canadians in Ontario had just fired CGI last year for failing to deliver a different health-care IT project on time. Orwell, er oh well. Any minute now the website should be up and running again. In the meantime, let’s sing a tribute to Obama care.

(Sung to the tune of O Canada)

(Want the accompaniment? Click here.)

O Bamacare, health care for one and all.

Click on the link, and watch the website stall.

With anxiety, we sign in for free, to avoid the penalty.

Then we try to call, as our last hopes fall,

There’s no Obama care for me!

God keep us from, social anarchy,

O Bamacare, when will you ever be?

O Bamacare, when will you ever be?

© Huffygirl 2013

Related links:

• It’s easy to blame Canada
• Everything you wanted to know about Canadian Healthcare
• Denver to import oxygen from Canada (huffygirl.wordpress.com)
• US takes advantage of Canada’s cost cutting move (huffygirl.wordpress.com)
• Maple Leaf money (huffygirl.wordpress.com)

Introducing the iFinger

Has this ever happened to you? You’re scrolling along on your iPhone or iPod screen, and suddenly get a bad case of index finger fatigue (IFF) from all that scrolling, tapping and clicking. Fingers weren’t made to work this hard. And your device screen is always marred by smeary finger prints, and you just friended your ex by accidentally clicking on “friend request.” But no more. Now there’s iFinger.

iFinger is a GPS-enabled electronic finger that allows you to use your i-device, but save yourself from IFF.  Simply clip the iFinger sensor to the side of your device, and slip the iFinger transmitter band over your wrist. Then, wave your hand over the iFinger to click, scroll, tap, or play Words with Friends. GPS technology senses your intended moves from the wrist transmitter and moves the iFinger sensor as naturally as your own finger moves. Using your i-device is now pain-free, and protects your screen from smeary finger prints, all the while doing the tiring work formerly done by your own finger.

Here’s what beta testers had to say about the new iFinger:

“Playing with my phone all day used to be so tiring until I tried iFinger. Now, my finger stays fresh while iFinger does all the work. No more exhausting surfing.” – Brandi, New York

“The iFinger works seamlessly with all my apps. Now my finger can say ‘There’s an app for me!'” – Tiffany, St. Louis

“I can play games on my iPhone for hours, thanks to the iFinger.” – Brad, Indianapolis

Save your own finger for the joys of life, and put iFinger to work for you. Now, your finger too can say “There’s an app for that!”

© Huffygirl 2013

Shutdown furloughs “Onion” writers

Will Tracy, editor in chief of the nation’s foremost made-up news source, The Onion, announced today that the government shutdown has forced the furlough of Onion’s writers. “As readers know, our specialty as a news source is making up ridiculous, implausible “news” stories, but cleverly portraying them as truth. However, the current actual news coming out of Washington is in itself so ludicrous, so improbable, that real news is difficult to distinguish from made up stories. Since basically, The Onion news is just writing itself, there seems little point in employing writers to make up additional stories.

 

Tracy cites examples from the news this week, as evidence of real news taking on a onionesque quality. “Consider these headlines:”

 

“Shutdown leaves thousands of lab mice in limbo: workers scurry to separate males to prevent vermin overrun.”

 

“Government shutdown blocks veteran’s death benefit checks: legislator’s paychecks somehow slip through.”

 

“Shutdown threatens chicken plants.”

 

“Lawnmower man at Lincoln Memorial thwarts authorities.”

 

Tracey assures The Onion’s writers that they will be recalled as soon as the shutdown ceases, once again allowing “normal” made-up news to the forefront. “And, just like government workers, the writers will receive back pay for their non-productive time off. After all, this is America.”

 

© Huffygirl 2013

 

Related links:

 

• Shutdown imperils costly lab mice
• Shutdown threatens closure of chicken plants
• Lawnmower man

 

Create your own shutdown

“Shut them ALL down. Hurry!” C-3PO, Star Wars

Why should the US congresspersons have all the fun? Now, you too can avoid responsibilities under the guise of budget constraints and create your own shutdown. Follow these easy steps.

1. Decide what you want to shut down – your home, office, after school activities, or, choose the C-3PO method and shut them all down.

2. Inform your family, coworkers, and others who might be affected, that due to budget constraints, you are obliged to shut down (insert selected area here) beginning at midnight on (insert start date – the sooner the better.)

3. Prior to your shut down date, decide what things you want to shut down and what things will remain open. For instance, if you are having a home shutdown, you might elect to shut down the kitchen, but allow take out food to continue. Or perhaps shut down the laundry room, but allow send-out laundry. Or shut down your office, except allow payroll to continue. You see where this is going.

4. Begin your shutdown. If anyone complains, remind them that you have bravely chosen shutdown to prevent unappropriated spending and to save money for (insert name of shut down entity here.)

5. Continue your shutdown for as long as you like. There really is no reason to stop, unless perhaps, if boredom occurs from doing nothing. But so far our legislators have not encountered this, so why should you?

© Huffygirl 2013