Introducing the iFinger


Finger binaryHas this ever happened to you? You’re scrolling along on your iPhone or iPod screen, and suddenly get a bad case of index finger fatigue (IFF) from all that scrolling, tapping and clicking. Fingers weren’t made to work this hard. And your device screen is always marred by smeary finger prints, and you just friended your ex by accidentally clicking on “friend request.” But no more. Now there’s iFinger.

iFinger is a GPS-enabled electronic finger that allows you to use your i-device, but save yourself from IFF.  Simply clip the iFinger sensor to the side of your device, and slip the iFinger transmitter band over your wrist. Then, wave your hand over the iFinger to click, scroll, tap, or play Words with Friends. GPS technology senses your intended moves from the wrist transmitter and moves the iFinger sensor as naturally as your own finger moves. Using your i-device is now pain-free, and protects your screen from smeary finger prints, all the while doing the tiring work formerly done by your own finger.

Here’s what beta testers had to say about the new iFinger:

“Playing with my phone all day used to be so tiring until I tried iFinger. Now, my finger stays fresh while iFinger does all the work. No more exhausting surfing.” – Brandi, New York

“The iFinger works seamlessly with all my apps. Now my finger can say ‘There’s an app for me!'” – Tiffany, St. Louis

“I can play games on my iPhone for hours, thanks to the iFinger.” – Brad, Indianapolis

Save your own finger for the joys of life, and put iFinger to work for you. Now, your finger too can say “There’s an app for that!”

© Huffygirl 2013

Advertisements

Just in time for Easter, now there’s Chocnix


English: A milk chocolate Easter Bunny.

Worried about that chocolate addiction of yours? And with the Easter Bunny just here, showering you with chocolate bunnies, eggs and the like, aren’t you wishing there was a way you could come clean and rid yourself once and for all of that chocolate addiction? Well, now you can. Now, there’s Chocnix®.

Chocnix® is a prescription medication designed to free the user from chocolate addiction. Chocnix works by blocking the pleasurable and addictive effects of chocolate. After only one week of use, Chocnix® users will find eating chocolate less pleasant. Eventually, chocolate eaters will receive less and less positive reinforcement from the ingestion of chocolate, causing the user to eventually stop eating chocolate. By 12 weeks of Chocnix® use, most users find they are able to completely abstain from chocolate eating. After an additional 12 weeks of use, most patients find they will never desire to eat chocolate again.

Chocnix® is not for everyone. Users may experience rage, anger, chocolate envy and psychosis. Don’t use Chocnix® if you suffer from extreme chocolate addition, evidenced by waking up the day after Easter with your head in an Easter basket, surrounded by foil wrappers. Ask your doctor if Chocnix® is right for you.

© Huffygirl 2013

Sick of campaign ads? Now there’s Blatherblock


Biden's 2008 campaign logo

Like a recurring locust swarm, it comes every four years. At first, just a few cards in the mail, a few TV ads, But as November approaches, the bombardment escalates. The robo calls. TV ads. Texts. Snail mail. Email. Pop-ups. How can you protect yourself from the bombardment of campaign ads? It seems there is no escape.

Until now. Now, there’s Blatherblock. Blatherblock protects users from annoying campaign ads delivered online, on TV, in email, text message and snail mail. No other ad-blocking app offers such complete protection.

Blatherblock uses proprietary methods to protect you from unwanted campaign blather. Once you sign up for Blatherblock, within the next 24 hours your protection begins. With Blatherblock protection, you can answer your phone, open email, open your mail box and check messages without fear or anxiety, confident that you and your inbox will be protected from blather.

Has this ever happened to you? You come home from a hard day at the office, flop down in front of the TV to relax, but get bombarded with annoying campaign ads. With Blatherblock, your TV watching will once again be blather-free. Blatherblock discretely replaces annoying campaign blather on your TV screen too, seamlessly blocking campaign ads and replacing them with  delightful alternatives. Choose from  Daily Affirmations by Stuart Smalley, the ever-popular Andy Griffith Show,  the original Dallas, featuring the indomitable Larry Hagman, or hundreds of other blather replacements. Just make your selection from the Blatherblock  Replacement Menu when you log into your account at www.blathernomore.net

Still not convinced? How can I know that Blatherblock is right for me? Just ask yourself the following questions. Is my time important? Is this an election year? Do I want to enjoy my personal time in peace?

If your answered  yes to one or more questions, then Blatherblock is right for you. Sign up today!

© Huffygirl 2012

Related posts:

Bounty For All


aafad 245/365 too late ...

Why should football players have all the fun? Sure, they’re highly paid professionals, who’ve worked hard to get where they are today, yet still like to have a little “fun” in the process. But don’t you deserve to have “fun” too? After all, you’re a professional, accomplished business person. Probably not as highly paid as those NFL guys, but that’s about to change. Because now there’s Bounty Office.

Bounty Office lets you join in the same kind of good-natured workplace “fun” that NFL players enjoy every day. Bounty Office increases workplace productivity and office camaraderie by motivating workers to stay competitive and edgy in the workplace. Using financial incentives and other means, Bounty Office keeps workers sharp, not just from 9-5, but in the parking lot too. And on the way out to their cars. And in the restroom.

Best of all, you can start Bounty Office today at no cost to your company. Bounty Office is  an employee-financed incentive program. Once you form your Bounty Office “team,” coworkers buy-in to the incentive program, then start reaping the benefits. Bounty Office provides software to help you manage funds, track rewards, and plan future incentive programs.

Choose the level of Bounty Office that’s right for you. Small offices or those with older workers may want to start with Bounty Light. Bounty Light rewards workers for such things as cutting someone off at the copy machine, pushing past others at the time clock, and being first out of the parking lot at the end of the work day. Not enough challenge? Then try Bounty Goals. With Bounty Goals, your employees will work hard to “beat” out others for promotions, “battle” over vacant office space, and “throw down” for the last cup of coffee. Still not enough of a challenge? Then try Bounty Pro*. Bounty Pro challenges workers to bring their physicality and full-court press to each work day. Yes, once you sign up for Bounty Pro, you get to use words like physicality at the office every day, just like those other pros. With Bounty Pro, your workers will be watching their backs, and their rewards, 24/7. Workers will stay  alert, focused and on their toes with Bounty Pro.

Don’t be left out. Choose your participation level, then sign up for Bounty Office today.

*Offices using Bounty Pro are required to provide proof of full employee health insurance benefits at sign up.

(Disclaimer: This is a satire piece. Huffygirl does not mean to suggest that such bounty programs actually exist, because that would be wrong. Horribly wrong.)

© Huffygirl 2012

Faux Friends: Don’t be left out


"Kellogg" brand "candle stick&q...

Image via Wikipedia

Has this ever happened to you? You’re at lunch with a group. No one’s talking to you – they’re all too busy looking at their phones: playing games together, texting, updating Facebook. Except you. Why? You don’t have enough friends with idle time on their hands to play phone games and text with. Most of your friends have actual jobs and commitments. They don’t have time to play with their phones all day. But, you feel left out, isolated. Well, no longer. It’s time to stop being left out from phone friend activities. It’s time for Faux Friends.

Faux Friends is a discreet service for those who need more “friends” with whom to interact on their phones. No longer will you feel left out while those around you are texting and looking at their phones. Now you too will have someone to text, game, or even talk with, at your fingertips. Start today. Signing up for Faux Friends is easy.Click here to log onto Fauxfriends4u.com and begin your membership today.

With Faux Friends, you phone will never be silent again. You’ll get texts, FB updates and invitations to play games any time your phone is idle. Too busy to answer? Then you phone will just vibrate incessantly, letting everyone around know that you too are important, so important that your phone is always ringing. No more looking like a social misfit when you’re out in public. You can spend just as much time interacting with your phone screen as everyone else around you. With Faux Friends at your fingertips, you’ll never be forced into awkward face-to-face conversation with you companions again. Why waste your time talking to those around you when you can engage in mindless activity with your phone? Sign up for Faux Friends today!

© Huffygirl 2012

Other InFAUXmercial posts by Huffygirl:

Matchkea


Tired of being single? Not finding your perfect mate on traditional dating websites. Don’t worry. Now there’s Matchkea. Forget online singles sites. Matchkea is a personal, on-location singles hangout. At Matchkea, you can meet potential dates discreetly, in person, and best of all, for free. 

Interested? How do I sign up for Matchkea?  Forget monthly fees, online applications and dating preference forms. With Matchkea, there’s no sign-up, no contracts, and no deadlines. Simply show up at your local Ikea store, start browsing and mingling among the other customers. Once you see someone who interests you, give them a discreet nod, then head to the coffee area. There, you can get to know your potential mate, mingle among other interesting singles, and maybe pick out a charming coffee table or closet organizer. There’s no way to lose at Matchkea – even if you don’t find your future mate, you’re sure to find a bargain.

Still not sure if Matchkea is right for you? Ask yourself the following screening questions:

1. Are you fed up with online dating service fees and contracts?

2. Are you tired of singles who claim to like “watching sunsets and long walks on the beach” when all they really want is a comfortable sofa and a big-screen TV?

3. Do you enjoy multitasking, and try to get the most out of every shopping trip?

4. Do you long for a partner who appreciates a similar taste in trendy, inexpensive furniture?

If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, then Matchkea is definitely for you. Don’t waste any more time with online match sites and speed dating. Head to your nearest Ikea today.

IKEA Regensburg

Trendy retailer, or singles mecca?

NPR.org  Ikea: Home of DIY matchmaking

© Huffygirl 2011

For a clean fridge, now there’s Refrigaminder


Refrigerator

Everyone wants a clean, shiny refrigerator – a refrigerator free of crumbs in the drawer, spilled juice on the shelves, or hundred-year-old ketchup. But it’s such a pain to empty the refrigerator, wash it out, sort through the old food and put things back. Nobody wants to take the time to do this thankless job. Until now. Now there’s Refrigaminder.  Refrigaminder monitors your refrigerator, and doesn’t let things get out of hand. Just attach the handy Refrigaminder scanner to the inside of the refrigerator door, then scan the bar code of  items as you put them in, or take them out of the refrigerator. Refrigaminder records the product name and expiration date into its handy Refrigadata base. When a product becomes out of date, Refrigaminder will flash an electronic message on the scanner window. “Warning, warning: Newman’s Own Balsamic Vinegar expired. Warning.” Refrigaminder will repeat the warning every three days until you remove the offending item.

But what about those pesky crumbs littering the bottom of the refrigerator drawers? Refrigaminder takes care of that problem too. Every six weeks, Refrigaminder sends you light-hearted text messages, telling “Hey, this is your refrigerator. It’s time to get out your bucket and towels and give me a good cleaning.” Once the cleaning is done, simply reply to the text and Refrigaminder resets to give you another friendly reminder in six weeks

But what if you’re lazy and unmotivated? You ignore the texts; you let the two-year old salad dressing languish in the door to live another day. You need Refrigaminder Deluxe. Refrigaminder  Deluxe goes the extra mile to keep your refrigerator squeaky clean. Going beyond texts, Refrigaminder  Deluxe will take any measures necessary to keep your refrigerator up to date and sparkling clean.

Still skeptical? I decided to put Refrigaminder Deluxe to the test. I set up the easy to use Refrigaminder scanner, and entered my phone data for texts. Then, I waited. Every warning that came up on the monitor for expired food items, I ignored. Every friendly text from Refrigaminder about the six-week clean-up, I deleted. Then, one day it happened. I came home late one night, after a week-long vacation, opened the refrigerator and saw this horrifying message on the monitor: “Refrigerator temp 67 degrees;freezer temp 67 degrees. Warning, warning, remove spoiled food now.”

Harsh? Yes, but for some folks, just what they need. No more outdated food in my refrigerator. In fact, there’s no food in it at all. But thanks to Refrigaminder, if I ever do get food again, at least it will be fresh!

Don’t let this happen to you. Call today: 1-800-CLEANME. Operators are standing by. If you call now, you’ll receive a free “Refrigaminder: Clean me now ” refrigerator magnet, and a three-month supply of Refrigaminder Clean Fridge Baking Soda. Put your mind to rest and your food to fresh with Refrigaminder.

© Huffygirl 2011

New category: InFAUXmercial


Meals in seconds with this! (Image courtesy of Google)

It’s Sunday morning, you can’t sleep. You get up early and turn on the TV, hoping for some intelligent programming  to get your mind off your insomnia. Well, you might as well forget about the intelligent  part, because: a) that rarely exists these days, even in prime time, and b) it’s Sunday morning –  the day for infomercials. Yes, the infomercial – a TV show using a fake talk-show format to sell a product that most people could get along without. We’ve all seen it at some time or another, so I’m sure you know the drill. There’s the chatty host, usually sort of a Ryan Seacrest look alike. Chatty host sits at a desk and talks it up with eye candy – a young, attractive woman who acts as the “guest.” They discuss the product ad nauseam, demonstrate the product together, and often bring in an eclectic mix of “experts” or users to give testimonials. One of my favorites is “The Magic Bullet.” It’s a simple little blender-type gadget that is purported to be able to produce an entire gourmet meal “in seconds.” It might be seconds  if you had about thirty of these things like the people in the infomercial do, so you wouldn’t have to take it apart and wash the blades in between making cheese quesidallas, frozen daiquiris, Alfredo sauce, and fruit smoothie desserts. In reality, the Magic Bullet is an ordinary blender blade with a screw-on container. But the infomercial folks in true infomercial style, turn it into a kitchen messiah, by convincing the viewer that it’s fun, easy and will make people like you, because you make amazing meals for them “in seconds.” Never mind that each blended food delight is only enough for one or two people – with a miracle gadget like this, just use the “multiplication of the loaves” feature and you’ll  have enough for a party. Really, I don’t know why you haven’t run to your phone to buy one right now, just from reading this resounding  endorsement.

No infomercial would be complete without the pricing and ordering information, shouted at the end by THE MAN WITH THE ANNOUNCER-TYPE VOICE. Invariably the price for this amazing gadget ends with 99; if you wait, there will always be “more”; and if you order now (after all, operators ARE standing by) you can get two of these amazing gadgets (why would anyone want two?) for the price of one.

Spoofing the infomercial is so much fun that I think it’s finally time to have a category for it – I’m calling it  InFAUXmercial. You can see my previous infomercial spoofs here, and look for future fun posts in the InFAUXmercial category.

Related posts:

© Huffygirl 2011

Socks Without Partners


Rainbow striped toe socks worn with thong sandals

Image courtesy of Wikipedia

Has this ever happened to you? You put a pile of dirty socks into the washer, then the dryer. Once they’re done, you take them out, match them up and voila! There’s always a sock left without a partner.  The poor leftover sock gets tossed into the lost sock pile, gathering dust, put out to the sock pasture, waiting for a partner that almost never shows up.

But now, there’s a way to put those lone socks to good use; now there’s Socks Without Partners. Socks Without Partners gathers socks from around the world, matches them up with appropriate partners, and sends them out to missions in third world countries. Once there, the newly mated socks are distributed to victims of famine, earthquakes, hurricanes and the like. Now, the less fortunate can benefit from the unfortunate loss of sock partners. No more will single socks languish in back rooms, laundry baskets and closet floors. Socks Without Partners gives abandoned socks a new lease on life.

But maybe you’re thinking, “My lost socks could never find a new partner, because (fill in the blank)my feet are so large, or I only wear striped socks.” No worry. Socks Without Partners casts a global search for socks. Because of its world-wide network, there is no sock variety that can’t be matched. There is no sock that is too obscure, old, faded, gender-ambiguous, oddly colored, large or small for Socks Without Partners. Socks Without Partners accepts socks of all colors, sizes, creed, fabric content, elastic quality and length. Rest assured that your single socks in whatever condition will find a home with Socks Without Partners.

Log on to http://sockswithoutpartners.org today to find out how your lone socks can help the less fortunate. Turn your unfortunate, lonely socks, into vibrant partnered socks at Socks Without Partners today! 

(Donations to Socks Without Partners are tax-deductible. Request IRS form 3122C when making your donation.)

© The author and Huffygirl’s Blog, 2010 to 3010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author and Huffygirl’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Satire Friday: Invisible Fence


Spot lopes through the grass, ears flopping, tongue lolling, without a care in the world. A plethora of delicious scents rise up from the moist turf, tempting Spot in all directions. Somebody dropped a hot dog here, about two weeks ago, by the faint remainder of the aroma. A squirrel sat here, a racoon dashed through there. All old scents, tempting, but not so strong that Spot cannot resist. As he snuffles his snout through the grass, he smells…fresh rabbit. Spot goes into high alert. “A rabbit was here, a rabbit was here. Doggie emergency. Must hunt down rabbit.” Spot dashes through the yard, head down, tail wagging, on the bunny scent. Spot follows the scent to the edge of the yard. He knows he’s not supposed to leave the yard, but caught up in the frenzy of the delightful scent, he’s forgotten his training. After all, he is just a dog. As he nears the property line, Spot lunges across and BZZZ. Fortunately for Spot, he has Invisible Fence. When Spot is about to do something he’s not supposed to do, BZZZ. Run outside the property line? BZZZ. Chase a car? BZZZ. Spot stays in bounds and out of trouble thanks to Invisible Fence. Spot never has to worry about doggie indiscretions. Spot has Invisible Fence to save him from poor decisions and bad behavior. Too bad we don’t have invisible fence for humans.

 But wait, now there’s Fencester, the invisible fence for people who can’t make themselves behave. Just log in to Fencester.com to see the services offered. Take the Fencester profile quiz. In just minutes the Fencester profiler will evaluate your indiscretion history and suggest which level of Fencester protection is best for you. Once you select your Fencester level and enter your credit card information, your Fencester protection begins. Got a big party coming up Saturday night and not sure you can stay out of trouble? Don’t worry. Choose Fencester Express. With Fencester Express, your indiscretion settings are entered over our 4 G network directly into your electronic devices. Fencester discretely monitors your behavior via cell phone, computer, traffic cams, security cameras, ATMs, hand-held devices, and other undisclosed means, and sends gentle “reminders” when you’re about to step “out-of-bounds.” With Fencester Express, your bad behavior is stopped before it starts. No more embarrassing moments, no scandals, arrests, drug busts, traffic tickets, illegitimate offspring, affairs, bad comments into open mikes, or drunken outbursts. For an extra minimal fee, add Blue tooth for round the clock protection. For a higher level of service, choose Fencester Force 10, especially tailored to meet the behavior needs of celebrities, politicians, and professional athletes. With Fencester Force 10, you get all the services of Fencester Express, plus in-person monitoring by discrete “Fencester Forcers”. Our Fencester Forcers are guaranteed to blend in to any social situation, and can even go with you to the office. Just think: no more worries about getting caught doing online shopping, internet gambling or ogling porn while at work. Your personal forcer will keep you on task and nose to the grindstone, without arousing suspicion among your coworkers. Your job is safe with Fencester Force 10. 

But what if your indiscretions are minimal? Choose Fencester Light, perfect for those times when you feel like stealing cable from your neighbor, rudely blabbing on your cell phone at the gym, or flirting with the gal next door. And Fencester Light has an extra feature, called the Church Lady, to keep you on the straight and narrow. The Church Lady sends you friendly reminders about Sunday services, and automatically sets your alarm to get up early on Sunday mornings. (Jewish customers should choose the “Saturday Sabbath Option” when setting up your profile.) But what if you’re just lazy or lack ambition? There’s a Fencester for you. Fencester Mom makes sure you pick up your socks, pay your bills and get to work on time. Add the Miss Manners Option and you’ll never forget to write thank you notes or RSVP to a wedding again.

But what if your indiscretions are purely personal? You’re cholesterol is high, you’re overweight, and your gym membership card is gathering dust on the dresser? There’s a Fencester that’s right for you. Choose Fencester Fit, which monitors your calorie intake, gently “prompts” you to make healthy food choices and keeps you out of fast food restaurants with our special “lock-out” feature. When you do eat out, Fencester only allows access to healthy restaurants with our special maitre d’ feature.  Once you enter a Fencester approved restaurant, your regular server will be discretely replaced by a Fencester Food Coach, who gently “encourages” you to make the right food decisions. But what if you’re dining with friends and tempted to taste your companion’s dessert? The Fencester Food Coach will discretely remove your eating utensils, sparring you from an embarrassing fall off the food wagon. For a small additional fee, add the beverage feature, which automatically replaces all the soda in your house with refreshing spring water. And if you choose the Fencester Green option, you’ll get a weekly recycling pickup for your spring water bottles.

So how do you know if Fencester is right for you? Take the free, no obligation Fencester screening quiz now.

1. Are you overweight?

2. Have you ever made a tactless comment at a party?

3. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?

4. Have you ever engaged in rude behavior such as talking on a cell phone in a restaurant or texting during meetings?

5. Have you ever goofed off online at the office?

6. Have you cut off other drivers in traffic or slipped into someone else’s parking space?

7. Have you embarrassed yourself or your family by indiscrete behavior in public?

8. Have you ever had an extramarital affair?

9. Have you ever “accidentally” carried your gun into a nightclub, even only once?

10. Have you ever made rude or bigoted comments to friends thinking that no one else would hear you?

If you answered “yes” to two questions or more, than you obviously have self-control deficiency disorder (SCDD). Don’t let your poor self-control lead to embarrassment or pesky legal issues. Sign up for Fencester today.

Fencester: For folks who need fences!

Photos courtesy of Google.

© Huffygirl 2010