Satire Friday: Invisible Fence

Spot lopes through the grass, ears flopping, tongue lolling, without a care in the world. A plethora of delicious scents rise up from the moist turf, tempting Spot in all directions. Somebody dropped a hot dog here, about two weeks ago, by the faint remainder of the aroma. A squirrel sat here, a racoon dashed through there. All old scents, tempting, but not so strong that Spot cannot resist. As he snuffles his snout through the grass, he smells…fresh rabbit. Spot goes into high alert. “A rabbit was here, a rabbit was here. Doggie emergency. Must hunt down rabbit.” Spot dashes through the yard, head down, tail wagging, on the bunny scent. Spot follows the scent to the edge of the yard. He knows he’s not supposed to leave the yard, but caught up in the frenzy of the delightful scent, he’s forgotten his training. After all, he is just a dog. As he nears the property line, Spot lunges across and BZZZ. Fortunately for Spot, he has Invisible Fence. When Spot is about to do something he’s not supposed to do, BZZZ. Run outside the property line? BZZZ. Chase a car? BZZZ. Spot stays in bounds and out of trouble thanks to Invisible Fence. Spot never has to worry about doggie indiscretions. Spot has Invisible Fence to save him from poor decisions and bad behavior. Too bad we don’t have invisible fence for humans.

 But wait, now there’s Fencester, the invisible fence for people who can’t make themselves behave. Just log in to to see the services offered. Take the Fencester profile quiz. In just minutes the Fencester profiler will evaluate your indiscretion history and suggest which level of Fencester protection is best for you. Once you select your Fencester level and enter your credit card information, your Fencester protection begins. Got a big party coming up Saturday night and not sure you can stay out of trouble? Don’t worry. Choose Fencester Express. With Fencester Express, your indiscretion settings are entered over our 4 G network directly into your electronic devices. Fencester discretely monitors your behavior via cell phone, computer, traffic cams, security cameras, ATMs, hand-held devices, and other undisclosed means, and sends gentle “reminders” when you’re about to step “out-of-bounds.” With Fencester Express, your bad behavior is stopped before it starts. No more embarrassing moments, no scandals, arrests, drug busts, traffic tickets, illegitimate offspring, affairs, bad comments into open mikes, or drunken outbursts. For an extra minimal fee, add Blue tooth for round the clock protection. For a higher level of service, choose Fencester Force 10, especially tailored to meet the behavior needs of celebrities, politicians, and professional athletes. With Fencester Force 10, you get all the services of Fencester Express, plus in-person monitoring by discrete “Fencester Forcers”. Our Fencester Forcers are guaranteed to blend in to any social situation, and can even go with you to the office. Just think: no more worries about getting caught doing online shopping, internet gambling or ogling porn while at work. Your personal forcer will keep you on task and nose to the grindstone, without arousing suspicion among your coworkers. Your job is safe with Fencester Force 10. 

But what if your indiscretions are minimal? Choose Fencester Light, perfect for those times when you feel like stealing cable from your neighbor, rudely blabbing on your cell phone at the gym, or flirting with the gal next door. And Fencester Light has an extra feature, called the Church Lady, to keep you on the straight and narrow. The Church Lady sends you friendly reminders about Sunday services, and automatically sets your alarm to get up early on Sunday mornings. (Jewish customers should choose the “Saturday Sabbath Option” when setting up your profile.) But what if you’re just lazy or lack ambition? There’s a Fencester for you. Fencester Mom makes sure you pick up your socks, pay your bills and get to work on time. Add the Miss Manners Option and you’ll never forget to write thank you notes or RSVP to a wedding again.

But what if your indiscretions are purely personal? You’re cholesterol is high, you’re overweight, and your gym membership card is gathering dust on the dresser? There’s a Fencester that’s right for you. Choose Fencester Fit, which monitors your calorie intake, gently “prompts” you to make healthy food choices and keeps you out of fast food restaurants with our special “lock-out” feature. When you do eat out, Fencester only allows access to healthy restaurants with our special maitre d’ feature.  Once you enter a Fencester approved restaurant, your regular server will be discretely replaced by a Fencester Food Coach, who gently “encourages” you to make the right food decisions. But what if you’re dining with friends and tempted to taste your companion’s dessert? The Fencester Food Coach will discretely remove your eating utensils, sparring you from an embarrassing fall off the food wagon. For a small additional fee, add the beverage feature, which automatically replaces all the soda in your house with refreshing spring water. And if you choose the Fencester Green option, you’ll get a weekly recycling pickup for your spring water bottles.

So how do you know if Fencester is right for you? Take the free, no obligation Fencester screening quiz now.

1. Are you overweight?

2. Have you ever made a tactless comment at a party?

3. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?

4. Have you ever engaged in rude behavior such as talking on a cell phone in a restaurant or texting during meetings?

5. Have you ever goofed off online at the office?

6. Have you cut off other drivers in traffic or slipped into someone else’s parking space?

7. Have you embarrassed yourself or your family by indiscrete behavior in public?

8. Have you ever had an extramarital affair?

9. Have you ever “accidentally” carried your gun into a nightclub, even only once?

10. Have you ever made rude or bigoted comments to friends thinking that no one else would hear you?

If you answered “yes” to two questions or more, than you obviously have self-control deficiency disorder (SCDD). Don’t let your poor self-control lead to embarrassment or pesky legal issues. Sign up for Fencester today.

Fencester: For folks who need fences!

Photos courtesy of Google.

© Huffygirl 2010


Satire Friday: Idiot-proof

Disclaimer: I accept the terms of Huffygirl’s Blog and agree to abide by the rules of Huffygirl’s Blog. I agree to not hold Huffygirl responsible for any decisions or actions I make after reading this blog, and release Huffygirl from liability of all past, present and future actions I may take after reading this blog. I further release all of Huffygirl’s descendants, pets, and former boyfriends of any liability for harm that may come to me after reading this blog.

___ I accept

Well, if you’ve gotten this far, I certainly hope you checked  “I accept.”  I wouldn’t want to incur any present of future liability for myself or others from my loyal readers. Why do we have such silly disclaimers and warnings on everything from take-out cups to hair dryers? What has become of our society that we need to have warnings, safety instructions and agreements for everything we touch, buy or do?

I’m old enough to remember the days when if one bought an appliance, it came with a one or two page pamphlet with directions of how to use the appliance. There were no wacky disclaimers such as “do not use while sleeping” (on a curling iron – please!) or “do not stand on door” on a dishwasher” (!!). I remember when computer software programs actually let the user make their own decisions on what to save, what to delete and so on. There were no warnings every time you chose a function. If you deleted something, it was gone. It was your choice to delete it and your responsibility if you mistakenly deleted it. Compare this with today. You can’t delete anything – Microsoft asks if you’re sure you want to delete,  are you really, really sure, and after you insist you’re really, really sure, it still won’t delete anything, but moves it to – the recycle bin. Just in case it turns out that you were not really, really sure after all.

The book that came with my dishwasher has five pages of “important safety instructions” which include such cautions as “…you can be killed if you don’t follow the instructions…”, “do not install dishwasher outdoors” and my favorite “do not store gasoline in the dishwasher.” My electric range book has four pages of safety warnings, from “do not scratch cooktop surface with riveted clothing” for those who might be inclined to sit on the cooktop surface in jeans, to “do not heat unopened canned food in the oven.” Yes, there is no way I would have had the good sense to not sit on the cooktop in jeans or any other kind of pants, or throw a can of pork and beans in the oven had I not had these warnings.

 Which brings me to the reason why we must endure these tedious and absurd warnings. My theories: lack of personal responsibility, a sense of entitlement, and a tendency to be overly litigious. I don’t pretend to have all the answers. Comments please.