Unsafe Corn Prompts Early Warning System

Official portrait of United States Secretary o...

Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack (Image courtesy of Wikipedia)

The continuing sluggish economy and global warming have necessitated the institution of a “tall corn warning system” in U.S. farming communities, reports  Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack. “With farming costs at an all time high, farmers this season have taken to planting their crops closer to the field’s edge, in order to take full advantage of fertilizer and irrigation applications as a cost savings measure. Crops planted this closely to the roadways, combined with unusually high plant growth resulting from our globally warmed climate, has caused many tall crops, and in particular corn, to create a safety hazard on our American roadways. ” Vilsack goes on to cite multiple instances of accidents where motorists were unable to see oncoming traffic at intersections hemmed in by unusually tall corn. In corncentric communities, such as some towns in Kansas, the tall corn dangers have reached epic proportions. In that regard, Vilsack has plugged into President Obama’s recent proposed job bill to put a  tall corn safety warning system into place. 

Vilsack’s tall corn warning system is expected to employ two threat levels, similar to what is currently used for tornadoes and other natural disasters. The first level, tall corn watch, indicates that conditions are such that tall corn may be creating hazardous conditions along roadways. The second level, tall corn warning means that tall corn is present, creating a severe safe driving hazard, and motorists should take immediate steps to remove themselves from the path of impending tall corn. “We decided to completely avoid the color-coded warning system, such as yellow or green, as this might have been confusing to motorists, causing them to believe the color indicates the ripeness of the corn, rather than the level of the threat,” notes Vilsack. “The current warning system used for storms, although often ignored by local citizens, is for the most part familiar and tried and true.”

Vilsack has appointed the agriculture company of Argonautic Industries to subcontract the employment of workers to implement the new warning system, dubbed  the Multifocal Agricultural Initiative for a Zeitgeist of corn Ecology (MAIZE). Under the auspices of President Obama’s recent jobs bill,  MAIZE workers will be immediately deployed to place tall corn warning system signs in high-risk areas, thus taking hundreds off the unemployment rolls, and boosting our economy, at no cost to taxpayers. Vilsack plans to focus on high corn growth areas first, then expand around the country, with early warning signs already in place in some areas. Says Vilsack, “America has serious problems, but now, thanks to Mr. Obama and MAIZE, Americans will have one less worry: the threat of tall corn.”

© Huffygirl 2011

Angry bloggers storm WordPress headquarters

WordPress Headquarters, in Redwood City, CA, was the site of an angry mob scene that escalated into violence on Friday, April 1, 2011. Over 400,000 people, some carrying clubs and knives, stormed the building en mass. The crowd surrounded the building, blocked the exits, then swarmed inside, easily overwhelming Chuck the security guard and his dog Buffy at the entrance. Before police could arrive, the crowd had  smashed computers, spilled soy lattes out onto the floor, pulled smart phones from the fists of WordPress staffers, and carried off Matt Mullenweg, CEO of WordPress and Buffy, both of whom remain missing.  By the time police had arrived, the crowd had dispersed, leaving behind WordPress “happiness engineers” cowering under their desks, whimpering and clutching their useless iPhones. 

After questioning the surviving WordPress workers, police investigator Owen Hardiman briefed reporters on the situation. “It seems that an April Fool’s Day

CEO Matt Mullenweg

prank, perpetrated by WordPress staffers, enraged the users and caused the riot.” Tech savvy WP bloggers posted messages on their blogs on Friday to organize a flash mob, after discovering that WP had exaggerated their blog stats, in what was intended to be a humorous April Fool’s Day prank. WordPress statistics engineer Andy Skelton explained. “On Friday April 1, we changed our WP statistics software to display erroneous results. For instance, if a blogger had 40 views on his/her blog that day, the stats bar graph displayed 400 views. We meant it as  harmless prank, but unfortunately we underestimated how much our bloggers love their stats. It seems that they don’t take kindly to anyone messing with their blog view numbers. Hindsight is 20/20 or course, and we wish we had realized this earlier.”

The crime remains under investigation, but police fear the perpetrators may never be found. “Unfortunately, most of these bloggers use code names like Huffygirl, AM333Fantasyfic,  and Coming east, so it’s difficult to discover their true identities,” reports Chief Hardiman.

Meanwhile, WordPress blogs remain operative, as the WP servers continue to operate at an undisclosed location. “We’re doing everything we can to keep our 400,000+ bloggers happy at this point.” reports Skelton. We wouldn’t want a repeat of the April Fool’s Day massacre.

(Touche’ WP. Happy April Fool’s Day)

© Huffygirl 2011

Satire Friday: Senate Bill 2274, McCain-Logan

This week Senator John McCain introduced Bill 2274 on the senate floor. The bill, now being promoted as McCain-Logan proposes extreme measures for dealing with unemployment. McCain admits, that the proposed bill, while radical, is necessary in light of continued rising unemployment. Discouraging unemployment figures, despite new job growth, led to the extreme measure.  “Unemployment remains at 9.6%, despite a recent net gain of 151,000 jobs; 14.8 million people are out of work. At this rate, the country would have to create 250,000 jobs per month for the next 10 years, in order to reduce the unemployment rate to 5%,” noted McCain. “These figures project a dismal future for workers in our country. Our choice is clear – create more jobs, or reduce workers.”

Logan's Run (Photo courtesy of IMDb)

In an interview on NBC’s Today Show, McCain outlined his proposal while under fire from show host, the ever-caustic Matt Lauer. McCain admitted to Lauer that the inspiration for his bill came from his recent viewing of the 1976 Sci-Fi film, Logan’s Run. “I had never seen this movie before and ran across it one night while unable to sleep. In the film, the members of a post-apocalyptical society live in a domed city, believing that the world around them is uninhabitable. Faced with limited resources, the inhabitants enforce radical rules for population control, which results in the inhabitants of the dome able to continue living there without using up their space and resources.” While Lauer questioned McCain’s  proposal as barbaric, and likely illegal, McCain persisted. “Our population refuses to control itself. Thanks to medical advances, people like Dick Cheney are living well into their 70’s and 80’s and showing no signs of gracefully giving up their space. These oldsters, especially the ones who insist on continuing to work, many at highly paid positions, are, quite frankly, depriving younger people of jobs and resources in the process. Meanwhile the government struggles to support these folks with unemployment benefits, food stamps and the like” When Lauer rightly pointed out that a bill such as this would end McCain’s own career, McCain became enraged, jumped up on the couch and shouted “It’s time for Carousel, dammit.”  Head of NBC security, Francis Sandman was called in to subdue McCain, while NBC was forced to cut to commercial.

McCain’s spokesperson later issued the following statement: “Senator McCain is resting under a doctor’s care. He is suffering from extreme exhaustion related to his tireless work for the American people. Mr. McCain is expected to make a full recovery and return to the Senate in time to chair the subcommittee to review Bill 2274.”

(This all makes more sense if you’re familiar with the cult classic, Logan’s Run. Click the link below, or better yet, see the movie!)                  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074812/

© The author and Huffygirl’s Blog, 2010 to 3010. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to the author and Huffygirl’s Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Satire Friday

House of Humour and Satire

Image via Wikipedia

Yes, I know it’s not Friday. But lately I’ve been seeing satire opportunities everywhere I turn. Kettlecorn? What’s satirical about that, yet here we are one day post the kettlecorn/addiction post, and I’m still feeling satirical. Here’s the challenge I’m giving myself: write five satire Fridays in a row, taking me all the way up to, well, Friday. Can I do it? I’m counting kettlecorn as # 1. That leaves Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday Friday. Let’s see if I’m up to the challenge.