Finally. It’s Easter, time to celebrate the Christian Holy Day of, oh wait, there’s someone at the door. Ewww. This could be a problem. It’s Politically Correct Guy, just stopping by to make sure I’m not including anything offensive to anyone in this post.
So PC guy, I was just about to write a post about Easter, the Christian Holy Day of… Oh, so you say I can’t write about Christian Holy Days because it might offend non-Christians? Well, I never thought about it quite like that, but I kind of see your point. Okay, so I’ll just talk about how we colored some Easter eggs and… Now what? Oh, you say I can no longer call them Easter eggs. Now we have to call them “spring spheres” to avoid offending folks who don’t celebrate Easter. I guess no one is worried about offending the large group of folks who contend that eggs are ovoid and not spherical. Okay. Well, at least the colored er spheres look great. What’s that? You say I really can’t use the term “colored” as many people, oddly enough those of color, find that term offensive? All right them, I’ve got some bright spheres here, and I used dye… Oh, I see, the organic folks are offended by the use of dyes that might pollute the environment. Let me just set these aside then.
Okay then, moving on. I’ve got some East… well let’s just call it candy. Looks like the Eas.. well a large bunny dropped it off. Now what? What? Oh, so the PETA folks are enraged by the enslavement of innocent animals forced to perform unnatural tricks for humans, like delivering candy? Well, truth be told, I actually just bought this candy at the store. Is going to the store okay with you PC guy? Can you find anything offensive about that? Oh, you say that the American Diabetes Association frowns upon consumption of large amounts of candy, which contributes to rising rates of diabetes, and I should have at least walked to the store to avoid adding to my already offensively large carbon footprint. And Michelle Obama wants me to know she is quite upset that I’m even thinking about eating something that contributes to the obesity epidemic, and will be particularly offended if I dare to give any of this obesity poison to my granddaughter.
I had no idea celebrating, well, you know what, could be so complicated. At least today maybe the kids can have fun having an eg… er spring sphere hunt out in the yard. What’s that? A sphere hunt promotes unfairness by presenting the opportunity of potential bullying to the child who finds fewer spheres than the other children, which in turn sets them up for a lifetime of planning violent assaults on the internet? So you’re saying we should just give each child an equal number of spheres to avoid promoting feelings of inadequacy, instead fostering nonoffensive mediocrity? Well, who could be offended by that? And the parents are objecting to the children being exposed to harmful pesticides that may have been applied to the grass anyway, so we might as well just hand the kids the spheres inside?
Okay PC guy, I’ve had enough Get out of here. I’m finding you offensive for trying so hard to prevent me from being offensive.
cowering sitting in the closet house, with a large basket of Easter candy poisonous, obesity-causing, ovoid-shaped carbs, from which I will now save all mankind personkind by performing the ultimate sacrifice and eating them all myself. Darn it, happy Easter non-offensive, all-encompassing spring holiday everyone!
- Seattle School Allegedly Renames Easter Eggs “Spring Spheres” (outsidethebeltway.com)
(“Spring sphere” images courtesy of Google)