Help me, I’m awake!


No, not this Colin (Image courtesy of Google)

It’s that fun time of year again – time for that riotous medical event, the colonoscopy. I’m a few minutes into it and I’M WIDE AWAKE! I know I started out asleep because I remember getting the happy drugs. But now, here I am looking at my colon on the screen, and trying to figure out how to let the doctor know that I’m awake, and pretty sure I’m not supposed to be. I can see everything in the room – the IV pole, the business-like medical equipment, and my colon looking fresh, pink  and perky on the large monitor. Wish I had brought my glasses so I could get a better look. But hey, I’m paying for the sedation, so I better let them know it’s not doing its job. But I can’t. I try to speak and nothing comes out. Okay, so maybe I can move something, but can’t seem to get that coordinated either. Just like in a dream when you’re trying to run away from danger, or yell for help, nothing is happening. Finally, I manage to make a soft moan. It sounds pretty pathetic; wish I could have mustered something better, but hey, it works because I’m out again.

Nor this Colin (Image courtesy of Google)

And, I’m up. Wide awake again. How long is this thing going to take anyway? I  can hear them talking. They better be talking about how fascinating my colon is, and not about calling their broker or updating FB. I do the moaning thing again annnnd, I’m out. Meanwhile, what’s going on around me? Like parents who sit down to relax after they finally put their kids to bed, this doctor is thinking “Didn’t I just put her out? What is she doing up? Next thing you know she’ll be asking for a glass of water and wanting to watch TV.”

Now, fast forward a few years and it’s colonoscopy time again. I’m sitting in the doctor’s office (a different one this time)  and describing to him my vivid memories of waking up, not once, but

It's this colon! (Image courtesy of Google)

TWICE the last time. “Occasionally we get people who are resistant to the anesthesia” he says, “but I’ll make sure I give you something extra strong and you’ll be out for most of the day.” Great. I’m going to get the dart gun reserved for the 300 pound gorilla. I’m fine with sleeping through the colonoscopy – after all I’ve already seen it once. But I don’t really want to be out for an entire day. What if I want to blog or watch TV or go to a movie? Guess that’s out. Seems like there ought to be something in between wide-awake colonoscopy and 24-hour coma. I’m feeling a little skeptical, but let’s see how it goes.

Okay, so it’s colonoscopy day again. This is what I remember: moan, out, moan, out, moan, out, and so on. Apparently this happened repeatedly, basically every time they moved the scope, according to the doc. I have been officially declared the kind of person who just does not sleep soundly through a colonoscopy, despite copious amounts of happy drugs.  

Fortunately, despite the wake-ups, everything went well. And now that I’m home I can ddkje jo cmma  iojmm  ioje329c zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

All kidding aside,  March is colon cancer awareness month. Know your risk factors. Don’t be a sissy –  get a colonoscopy. 

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