Wine? Sure, I’ll have the child’s portion*.

Tempranillo varietal wine bottle and glass, sh...

(Photo by Mick Stephenson 2007, courtesy of Wikipedia)

Okay, I admit it. I have no tolerance for alcohol. I’d love to have an occasional glass of chardonnay, but I’m never able to drink a whole glass, or even half. Two sips are my limit. Literally. Maybe three, if I’m going to be in the restaurant for several hours and have plenty of food. There’s a name for people like me – although some would say it’s “cheap date” it’s actually alcohol intolerant.  Some people with alcohol intolerance lack alcohol dehydrogenase (ADH), the  enzyme needed to break down alcohol. Maybe I don’t have it, but I’m not sure why. Lack of ADH is more common in Asians and I’m not even a little bit Asian. And the way I feel when I try to drink is not quite what’s been described as ADH deficiency.  

Meanwhile, I AM a cheap date. I rarely order alcohol in a restaurant because why pay for the $8 glass of wine if I can only drink two sips. I occasionally open a bottle of wine at home, and it lasts…well it lasts forever unless we have company come over and finish it off, after I’ve dispensed many a two-sip glass, which barely touches it. I’m probably the only person around who further ages their wine AFTER opening it.

Wine tasting? The idea is appealing, and I like to try different wine flavors, but in practice, it doesn’t really work. Try to tell the wine-tasting people that you really don’t want any more of their delightful wine repeatedly, without insulting them. Traveling through wine county, stopping at picturesque vineyards with artsy tasting rooms – not for me. 

So I’ll let others order the wine, swirl it around in the glass, sniff the cork and toast, while I stick to my semi-abstemious ways. Although it makes me socially awkward, it saves money and protects me from pesky legal entanglements such as driving after  drinking.

*Disclaimer:  This is a satire blog. There is no “child’s portion.”  Huffygirl does not advocate serving alcohol to children. (I really shouldn’t even have to mention this, but, sigh, just in case.)