Unsafe Corn Prompts Early Warning System


Official portrait of United States Secretary o...

Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack (Image courtesy of Wikipedia)

The continuing sluggish economy and global warming have necessitated the institution of a “tall corn warning system” in U.S. farming communities, reports  Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack. “With farming costs at an all time high, farmers this season have taken to planting their crops closer to the field’s edge, in order to take full advantage of fertilizer and irrigation applications as a cost savings measure. Crops planted this closely to the roadways, combined with unusually high plant growth resulting from our globally warmed climate, has caused many tall crops, and in particular corn, to create a safety hazard on our American roadways. ” Vilsack goes on to cite multiple instances of accidents where motorists were unable to see oncoming traffic at intersections hemmed in by unusually tall corn. In corncentric communities, such as some towns in Kansas, the tall corn dangers have reached epic proportions. In that regard, Vilsack has plugged into President Obama’s recent proposed job bill to put a  tall corn safety warning system into place. 

Vilsack’s tall corn warning system is expected to employ two threat levels, similar to what is currently used for tornadoes and other natural disasters. The first level, tall corn watch, indicates that conditions are such that tall corn may be creating hazardous conditions along roadways. The second level, tall corn warning means that tall corn is present, creating a severe safe driving hazard, and motorists should take immediate steps to remove themselves from the path of impending tall corn. “We decided to completely avoid the color-coded warning system, such as yellow or green, as this might have been confusing to motorists, causing them to believe the color indicates the ripeness of the corn, rather than the level of the threat,” notes Vilsack. “The current warning system used for storms, although often ignored by local citizens, is for the most part familiar and tried and true.”

Vilsack has appointed the agriculture company of Argonautic Industries to subcontract the employment of workers to implement the new warning system, dubbed  the Multifocal Agricultural Initiative for a Zeitgeist of corn Ecology (MAIZE). Under the auspices of President Obama’s recent jobs bill,  MAIZE workers will be immediately deployed to place tall corn warning system signs in high-risk areas, thus taking hundreds off the unemployment rolls, and boosting our economy, at no cost to taxpayers. Vilsack plans to focus on high corn growth areas first, then expand around the country, with early warning signs already in place in some areas. Says Vilsack, “America has serious problems, but now, thanks to Mr. Obama and MAIZE, Americans will have one less worry: the threat of tall corn.”

© Huffygirl 2011

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13 thoughts on “Unsafe Corn Prompts Early Warning System

    • Thanks Ann. This was a lot of fun to write. It was inspired by something I actually heard on my local radio station – “Motorists are advised to beware of tall corn…” I couldn’t let that go without writing about it.

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