Wine? Sure, I’ll have the child’s portion*.

Tempranillo varietal wine bottle and glass, sh...

(Photo by Mick Stephenson 2007, courtesy of Wikipedia)

Okay, I admit it. I have no tolerance for alcohol. I’d love to have an occasional glass of chardonnay, but I’m never able to drink a whole glass, or even half. Two sips are my limit. Literally. Maybe three, if I’m going to be in the restaurant for several hours and have plenty of food. There’s a name for people like me – although some would say it’s “cheap date” it’s actually alcohol intolerant.  Some people with alcohol intolerance lack alcohol dehydrogenase (ADH), the  enzyme needed to break down alcohol. Maybe I don’t have it, but I’m not sure why. Lack of ADH is more common in Asians and I’m not even a little bit Asian. And the way I feel when I try to drink is not quite what’s been described as ADH deficiency.  

Meanwhile, I AM a cheap date. I rarely order alcohol in a restaurant because why pay for the $8 glass of wine if I can only drink two sips. I occasionally open a bottle of wine at home, and it lasts…well it lasts forever unless we have company come over and finish it off, after I’ve dispensed many a two-sip glass, which barely touches it. I’m probably the only person around who further ages their wine AFTER opening it.

Wine tasting? The idea is appealing, and I like to try different wine flavors, but in practice, it doesn’t really work. Try to tell the wine-tasting people that you really don’t want any more of their delightful wine repeatedly, without insulting them. Traveling through wine county, stopping at picturesque vineyards with artsy tasting rooms – not for me. 

So I’ll let others order the wine, swirl it around in the glass, sniff the cork and toast, while I stick to my semi-abstemious ways. Although it makes me socially awkward, it saves money and protects me from pesky legal entanglements such as driving after  drinking.

*Disclaimer:  This is a satire blog. There is no “child’s portion.”  Huffygirl does not advocate serving alcohol to children. (I really shouldn’t even have to mention this, but, sigh, just in case.)

14 thoughts on “Wine? Sure, I’ll have the child’s portion*.

  1. Love the disclaimer! 🙂 I know there are no such thing as childs portions….but my wife did buy a little 4-pack of tiny little wine bottles with like 8 oz. in each bottle….. Just the right size for her. Two sips and she’s snoring on the floor… 🙂

  2. huffygirl, I have read that the North American Indian has a genetic intolerance to alcohol because of lack of ADH. Perhaps you have some Indian blood in you?

    I used to be able to hold my alcohol relatively well, but now it’s the proverbial sniff of the wine cork that sends me into an alcohol-induced dreamland. Cheap date, indeed.

  3. I’m a lightweight too. Built up a tolerance in my twenties, but now I’m back to barely being able to finish a glass of wine. Twice in the last two years I had a cocktail before dinner and then a glass of wine with dinner. Suffered. Oh, well, better to be on this end of the spectrum…..
    ….must be my small fraction of native american blood.

  4. Loved this bit, especially the disclaimer! I’ve started to throw “I’m kidding!” into a lot of my posts because idiots with no sense of humor take the wrong things seriously!

    • Exactly! I debated about the child’s portion thing for a long time. You’d think that everyone reading it would know it’s satire, but there’s always someone who might not, so I finally decided to include the disclaimer. Thanks for stopping by.

  5. If I drink more than 1 glass of wine (which I rarely do), my knees get weak. Literally. I usually don’t drink at all, since I have so many medications that indicate dire warnings about consuming alcohol while taking the meds.

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